The Secretary
by midori tsuki
Summary: Sephiroth's new secretary is a little. . . Eccentric.
1. Episode 00

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: This is the first fanfiction I've ever written. I plan to write this in a serial/ episodic fashion. It takes place approximately six years prior to Final Fantasy VII. There may be times the characters are "out of character."

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Pilot Episode: Hello_**

He tapped his pen on his desk. His new secretary was late.

A brown haired girl stuck her head in the door. "Hello, Mr.—"

He stopped moving his hand. "You are 10.6 seconds late. For your sake, I would not do it again." His piercing jade eyes tried to stare his new secretary down.

Rather than tremble, faint, or apologize, the secretary stared her boss in the eye. She smirked as she moved into the office. "Actually, I'm early… Your watch must be fast." She set a briefcase down beside a small chair.

It took all of his concentration to keep his mouth from dropping. _She_ had questioned—no, challenged—what _he _said! _Whose idea was it to get me a secretary? I'll need to remember to maim them._

Her amber irises scanned the office. It was minimalist. Books with titles like Special peace keeping law, Materia production and its military uses, and Ranks and extended use of Mako weaponry sat on the bookshelf behind the silver-haired man. _Workaholic ass._ The secretary gave her new boss the fakest smile in the history of Midgar.

There was a knock at the office. She glided to the door. Opening the door, she stuck her head out. "Yes, how may I help you… No, Mr. Sephiroth cannot today… Well, I'm sorry he can't… I suggest you call and make an appointment…" She seemed to be annoyed by the intruder. "… Wait one moment please."

She reentered the office ignoring her superior. She walked to her briefcase. She kneeled and opened it. Sephiroth could not see what she was doing. "Miss…"

"Jessie." She supplied absently.

"_Jessie_… What are you doing?" He raised an eyebrow. Not that she was looking at him.

She stood up, revealing a sniper rifle. "Excuse me." She walked outside, and closed the door. It was not long before Sephiroth heard the gun fired. Jessie walked back in, sat on his desk, and called the custodial staff.

"… You're insane, aren't you?"

"Perhaps," she smiled. "I was told to make your job 'comfortable.' Besides, I like flashy stuff. Computers, bombs that sort of thing."

He eyed his precious sword leaning near the door. Sephiroth made a mental note to keep masamume closer.

Getting up, Jessie went outside. She returned with a stack of folders. "These are the new SOLDIER candidates." Dropping them on the desk, she continued, "They need to be reviewed, and separated into approved and unapproved candidates."

He looked at the foot of paperwork. "Couldn't you do this?"

She tilted her head. "Nope. Wouldn't know what to look for…" She began to disassemble her rifle. "Just think of it this way: bureaucracy is the prize for winning a war."

Sephiroth let out a groan. _Forget the maiming. Whoever is responsible for _her_ deserves nothing short of a brutal death. _The phone began to ring. Sephiroth reached his hand out, only to find nothing there.

"Mr. Sephiroth's office. Jessie speaking. How may I help you?" She made a series of affirmative noises to the caller. Eventually, the brunette placed the phone upon her chest. "It's larda—Palmer. He wants to know if you would like tea tomorrow. "

"Tea?"

"Yeah, somethin' 'bout SOLDIERs in space…"

"Uh… Tell him I'm busy."

Jessie returned the receiver to her ear and relayed the lie. After a few minutes, she replaced the phone. "You really should get started on those files." She picked up her briefcase and left.

After the door closed, Sephiroth breathed a sigh of relief. He strode over to masamune. Fingering it through leather gloves he possessively moved it to his desk. He picked up the first application and began to read about someone named "Strife." _What kind of a name is "Cloud!" _

_

* * *

_

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

Before you ask why Jessie (who is 12-16 at this point) would have a fulltime job, I'm of the opinion there is no public education system in Gaia (the world of FF7). This would explain Cloud leaving home at 14 to join SOLDIER and Barrett worrying about money for "Marlene's schoolin'."


	2. Episode 01

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

* * *

**The Secretary**

**_Episode 01: Regenerating Randomness_**

It was going to be a long day. Jessie had arrived five minutes before and already had to deal with two Turks, six SOLDIERs, and now Scarlet was taking up her oxygen. Jessie had stopped listening prior to her opening her mouth. The head of weapons development had made what she thought to be a joke covering her mouth as she let out a "kya-ha-ha." Jessie faked a laugh. _Memo to self: locate Scarlet's car and some napalm. _

"So… Is Sephiroth available?" _Wow. Took her three minutes to ask. New record._

"I'm sorry. Mr. Sephiroth is busy with the SOLDIER exams today." _Lucky bugger._ "Actually, he will not be available until next week. Would you like to leave a message?"

"Oh… No, it wasn't important. I'll just come back later." _Please don't._ Scarlet swaggered to the main hallway. Most people made distinct noises as they walked. Scarlet would clack her heels even on carpet.

Jessie began to type up her reports as a man slithered into the office. Without looking up, she commented, "Shouldn't you be working?"

He let out a groan. _How does she do that?_

Jessie hid a smile from her boss.. Sephiroth made every effort to make absolutely no noise. She did not have to hear him come in. After the first few days of him sneaking by her, she had installed a pressure sensor on the floor. No one, not even the elite SOLDIER, could get past technology.

"I finished early."

"Did you now? Too bad you have so _many_ people who need your attention." Jessie resisted using her sadistic laugh.

He leaned against the wall. "Like who?"

"Hojo wanted to see you… He was mumbling something about 'perking up SOLDIERs'."

* * *

Sephiroth knew Professor Hojo was an imbecile. Everyone except President Shinra would agree with him. They would also include several words that would cause sailors to blush. 

Jessie was furiously writing Sephiroth's notes. He had dragged her to the 67th floor of the Shinra building. _She enjoys watching me suffer. Let's see how well she takes doing some _work _for once._

Hojo was going on about how brilliant he was. "Now, bring in the specimen!"

A door opened and a 3rd Class SOLDIER walked in. He was shaking in his blue uniform. "You're not goi—"

Hojo smacked him with a pointer. "Specimens do not speak unless spoken to." Sephiroth wondered whether Hojo may be slightly more insane than his secretary. "This specimen has been given a chemical that regenerates him."

Jessie narrowed her eyes and examined the specimen. "How much?"

Hojo turned to the secretary and stared as if he had not seen her standing a few feet away. "Using a few living cells, the specimen should be able to rebuild itself."

Excusing herself, Jessie left the room. Sephiroth began scanning the floor. The safest place would be the jail cells. _Not close enough. _He squeezed masamune. He could slice the debris to save himself. Hojo stood oblivious to what would be coming. _It would be a _real_ shame… _

Jessie returned toting a bazooka. The "specimen" looked like he would wet himself. She aimed, as Hojo tried to protest. She fired.

After the smoke cleared, Sephiroth could see the damage. Some of the more ferocious specimens were cowering in fear. Beyond the remains of the laboratory, it looked like a beautiful day. Considering there were no windows, Sephiroth appreciated the new view of the mountains. _Too bad Hojo survived._

The 3rd Class SOLDIER's boots were all that remained of him. Sephiroth turned to purge his stomach. After years of warfare, the sight was still grotesque. Jessie and Hojo were talking about some "project S." _Whatever that is._

When Sephiroth returned his gaze to the horror, the specimen had regenerated himself. He squatted in a fetal position. He moaned, "I think I'm gonna be—"

Hojo smacked him again. "How many times do I have to tell you? Specimens do not speak unless spoken to!"

Jessie looked at the whimpering SOLDIER. "Say, Professor Hojo… How 'bout Seph' 'n' me take him—er, the specimen—for field testing?" _"Seph'!" I am going to _kill_ her._

Hojo seemed to ponder the possibilities. "… Why not?"

The SOLDIER peeked over his kneecaps. He looked from Hojo to Jessie. He did not know which one was more evil.

* * *

"So, what's your name SOLDIER?" It had been an hour since the trio had come to Sephiroth's office. The SOLDIER 3rd Class had shook the entire way back. He had finally clamed down a bit. Jessie was looking out the window. 

"… Random Shinra Lackey… But, everyone calls me RSL."

"…………………………………………………Okay," Sephiroth and Jessie said in unison.

Jessie turned to the men, a smile plastered across her face. "Wanna see somethin' cool?"

RSL curled into a ball. Sephiroth walked over to the window. "Like what?

Jessie tilted her head to look at RSL. "Com'on you'll love it!" RSL shook his head rapidly. The SOLDIER was still fearful of the brunette. _Smart._

Sephiroth looked out the window. The parking lot stretched out in his view. Jessie moved beside him, and pulled out a remote. An explosion burst out a corner of the parking lot. "What _was_ that!"

Jessie smiled as she watched the flames dance. "That _was _Scarlet's car."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

This is my explanation for "random battles:" you are really fighting the same characters that just will not stay dead.


	3. Episode 02

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: "Kukudhi" is a female, Albanian demon that is a herald of disease and pestilence.

* * *

**The Secretary**

**_Episode 02: The Importance of Appointments_**

RSL was curled into a ball outside Sephiroth's office when the silver-haired man arrived. _Now, what has she done?_ "RSL, is something the wrong?" Sephiroth kneeled beside the cowering SOLDIER.

RSL shook his head. "Uh-uh. Just another wacko in the office."

"'Wacko'?" Sephiroth stood up and looked at the walnut door. _Please don't let it be Rufus…_

Sephiroth hesitated to open the door. _Please don't be Rufus… _He turned the handle slowly and allowed the door to swing itself open. _Please don't be—_"Rufus! Pleasant surprise. Need something?" Sephiroth did not mask his disgust. Of course, who would be stupid enough to point that out to the SOLDIER.

Masamune was scary enough on his back. Even his pyromaniac of a secretary would not make him take it off. It was much more fearsome in his left hand.

"… Ah, Sephiroth. I was wondering if you could do me a little favor…"

The door slammed open. The petite secretary glared at the vice president. "Sir, you'll have to leave. You do not have an appointment." She let out a muted growl.

"I'm the vice—"

"You'll be a corpse if you do not leave and make an appointment."

Rufus's pale skin became whiter. _Jessie's reputation precedes her._

* * *

RSL looked at the coffee pot. "Drip, drip, drip." 

He heard the president's son scamper by. He had recognized the blond when he entered Sephiroth's office. RSL had tried to stop him, but the man—no, boy—would not listen. The SOLDIER had warned him what would happen when the amber-eyed 'Kukudhi' arrived.

RSL would never call Jessie by her name in his head. _Kukudhi is more appropriate. _The carafe was a little over half full now. _Crazy woman… Who would give her a weapon permit?_

RSL, engrossed by the coffee and his inner thoughts, did not notice as a man walked past him and into Sephiroth's office.

* * *

Jessie typed away on her computer. Without pause she told the gentleman that his appointment would begin in a few minutes. Jessie's desk was in the inner lobby of Sephiroth's office. Originally, the both her and her boss's desks had been in the same room. On the second day she arrived for work, a wall and door had been built to separate Sephiroth's office from a new 'lobby.' _Wonder why._

The man twitched in his chair waiting. Eventually, he stood up and walked up to Jessie. "… How did Sephiroth get someone as pretty as you to work for him?"

Jessie removed a strand of hair from her eyes. "You still have four minutes to wait, Mr. Zack. Please sit down."

The spiky-haired man stretched and sighed. "He must have a pretty busy day if you've had to schedule his appointments to the minute."

"No. Not particularly so."

Zack scratched the back of his head. "Then, why can't I—"

Jessie stopped typing and looked into a pair of violet-blue eyes. They matched his 1st Class uniform perfectly. "Appointments are important…"

Zack furrowed his brow. _Everyone says she's violent… She just seems strict to me._ "Sweetie, why don't ya let me see my bud Seph'? We haven't seen each other since the war."

Jessie smiled pleasantly at him. "I suggest you sit down, Sir."

"And if I don't?"

Jessie's smile got even wider. "Then, I'll have to escort you to your seat." Jessie opened a drawer to her desk.

* * *

Sephiroth stretched in his chair. It had been a fairly calm day. Just an hour left. He looked at the schedule Jessie had written up for him. His last meeting of the day, 4:17pm. He looked at the clock. Just a few more minutes. He looked at the description Jessie had left him: 

_Meeting with SOLDIER Class 1st. _

_Name: Zack_

_Age: 18_

_Relation: Comrade in Wutai War_

_Purpose: N/A_

It had been months since Sephiroth had seen the black-haired man.

He could hear someone talking outside his door:

"_Sweetie, why don't ya let me see my bud Seph'? We haven't seen each other since the war."_

"_I suggest you sit down, Sir."_

"_And if I don't?"_

_Zack isn't that_ stupid_ is he! _Sephiroth dashed to the door. Predictably, Jessie was holding a magnum in her hand; she was pointing it at a very frightened Zack. At the other entrance to the lobby, RSL was frozen with a pot of coffee in his hand.

"Hi, Sephy-kins!" Jessie cheered gleefully. Sephiroth cringed at the nickname. _And I thought "Seph" was bad. _

Zack shifted his eyes from the secretary to her boss and back again.

RSL glanced at the clock. "Oh, look at the time. Who would like some coffee?"

Jessie glanced at the clock. "Ah, Mr. Zack it is now time for your appointment with Mr. Sephiroth. Please go into his office."

Zack raced after the older man, only exhaling when the door was locked tight.

* * *

Jessie looked at the pot of coffee in RSL's hand. Devious ideas were coming to mind. 

RSL began to back away slowly from the lunatic. "_Kukudhi_" _is going to kill me._

Jessie tilted her head at the slowly disappearing SOLDIER. "Is 'Kukudhi' your girlfriend or something?"

RSL froze. His mouth dropped. His eyes widened. _I didn't say that out loud, did I? Oh, $!#! _"Uh… Not exactly."

"Oh… Why don't ya go home early today?" RSL turned to escape quickly. "Leave the coffee. I think Zack will _need_ some after the meeting."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

Bunny Points to people that catch the rather subtle spoilers in this fanfiction series. Also, extra Bunny Points to Andrea Roberts, Lily Silver, andShadowSessMarlfoxfor reviewing. Oh, and sorry, no explosions today. Maybe tomorrow.

As of posting this, 183 people have hit the pilot and it looks like 75 of those people have gone on to read episode 01 (works out to be 40.9 continued on). Considering I didn't think that _anyone_ would read it, I'm shocked.

_Note: Bunny Points cannot be exchanged for cash, goods, or services. _


	4. Episode 03

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: "-Sama" is a Japanese honorific title used to address someone of much higher rank, possessing extensive abilities, and/ or very attractive.

ファンクラブ means "fan club," so セフィロスのファンクラブ means the "fan club of Sephiroth" or "Sephiroth's fan club."

I apologize in advance to anyone who has trouble reading the Japanese.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 03:_** _**ファンクラブ****　(fankurabu)**_

Jessie was typing away. _Does she even eat lunch?_ Sephiroth strolled passed her. As he reached his door he paused. _No whining? No 'long enough break?' _He could sense that something was wrong. _But what?_

The elite SOLDIER shook his head. _He_ was the best. Why should he be frightened of a small girl? _Because she's insane._ He placed his hand on the handle. _Well, what could she possibly do to me?_ Images of varied violence flashed through his head. He could feel the hairs prick up on the back of his neck.

He glanced back at the secretary as she typed away. She did not look at him. She did not smile. She merely worked. "… Is there something you need, Sir?" Her hands continued to move about her keyboard.

"… No?" _I'm not going to be intimidated by a child! Let's see what 'fun' this brat has in store for me._ He was ready for anything.

As the door swung open, he realized how wrong he could be. Inside, a harem of school uniform clad girls squealed.Signs boasting "We ♥ Sephiroth," "セフィロスのファンクラブ," and several pictures of himself were clutched. Sephiroth's sheer will power kept his mouth from reaching the floor.

A blond-haired girl dropped down in homage. The other girls quickly followed her example. After regaining his ability to breathe, the man yelled, "Who the hell are you people?"

None of the girls answered. The blonde was shaking. Sephiroth could make out the sound of whimpering coming from his desk. He briskly walked to the mahogany piece and peered under. RSL had returned to his fetal position. His hair and uniform were disheveled. "What happened to you?"

The tiny man looked into emerald eyes. "Sss-se-fii-irr-rosu no ba-fan-ku-rrra-buu…"

Sephiroth thought he could make out his name. He looked back at the girls. The blonde, the leader he assumed, had moved closer.

"Okay, can someone tell me what is going on here?"

* * *

_"Who the hell are you people?"_

Jessie continued working. _I wonder if RSL has finished that coffee yet... _

_"…Okay, can someone tell me what is going on here?" _

_Actually, I haven't seen him since… _"Oh, $!&." Jessie bolted from her seat.

When she entered Sephiroth's office, she dashed towards her boss…. And fell to the floor as she tripped on a redhead that was still groveling. "… Ow."

Sephiroth stared at his secretary. "I'm guessing you're the one responsible for this?"

Jessie lifted her head and gave her boss her patented 'gaze of death.' As she was looking at his kneecap, it was not very effective. She pulled herself up to sit on the student she had crashed onto. "… You're the one who said you would 'like to inspire some students from Shinra Academy.' Not my fault the only ones who wanted to meet you were these groupies… _Sephy-kins._"

Before Jessie saw her move, the blonde standing behind Sephiroth was pulling Jessie up by her collar. The girl's face had become bright red. "How _dare _you address Sephiroth-sama in such a disrespectful manner!"

Jessie glanced at the trembling RSL, as he emerged from the bowels of the desk. His blue SOLDIER outfit had been ripped in several places. "How dare _you_," Jessie said as she began to twist the blonde's delicate wrist, "injure my _precious_ RSL." The blonde wreathed towards the navy carpet in pain.

Jessie released the schoolgirl as the band of fans dashed out of the door.

"You care… about me?" RSL questioned sheepidly.

"No, not really... I'm just the only one allowed to do this." Jessie pulled a small firearm from the back of her skirt and fired at RSL's head. The blood splattered everywhere. _I should have asked him where the coffee is first. Oh well. _

"… If you're going to shoot him so often, could you try to not ruin the carpet?"

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

Culture fun: English-sounding words are considered "cool" in Japan. Similarly, Japanese kanji (one of the writing systems) are very popular here. Ironically, the word being used is mispronounced, misused, and/or mistaken for another word when used by people who do not know the language.

Bunny Points to anyone who realized the blonde was Elena. Bunny Points to Lily Silver, Andrea Roberts, Toppledate, Trance, zaios, and Andrew for reviewing. As of this posting 282 people have hit 00, 120 hit 01, and63 hit 02 (52.5 continue from 01 to 02). I'm in shock.

…. I have KH2's "Passion" stuck in my head again. I've been listening to that song a little too much…


	5. Episode 04

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

... I didn't really like 03... Kinda Passe.

* * *

**The Secretary**

**_Episode 04: Investigation Sector of the General Affairs Department_**

Sephiroth stared at his secretary. She was wearing a childish flora dress. She was dusting. She had baked cookies. _Probably poisoned them…_ She was whistling _Mary had a Little Lamb_. Hell may have finally frozen over.

Considering it had begun snowing in Midgar this morning, the idea did not sound very far fetched. RSL had stopped shaking, and walked without flinching at every noise. He was calmly sipping coffee on a sofa. _Why is he always here anyway?_

Jessie turned around and gave her boss a gleeful smile. "Sephy-kins!" She skipped to her boss and tried to grab him. She flung her arms around the waist of the significantly taller man. Sephiroth stiffened in her grasp. Jessie raised her face to look up and still had the childish smirk.

Eventually, she released. "Are you… feeling okay?" Sephiroth stared at the little child. The harshness had been removed. The insanity was gone from the amber eyes.

"Never better!" She bounced back to work.

RSL mumbled, "She's been like this all morning…"

* * *

Tseng stood erect in Sephiroth's office. He had been offered a chair, but he preferred to stand. Sephiroth's desk was organized and recently cleaned. A cup of tea steamed near the silver-haired SOLDIER. 

Sephiroth had been describing his problem for the last half-hour. Tseng had listened patiently, his face masking his astonishment. He had seen the little cherub cleaning the lobby. Comparing her to the demoness that hunted various Shinra officials seemed wrong.

"… So, I would like to know who this non-psycho is," Sephiroth concluded.

Tseng stared. He blinked two times. He stared some more. "…. What?"

Sephiroth grunted. "I know that girl outside is not my pyromaniac, so who is she? And who is she working for?"

Tseng could feel his knees going out. "… I have no idea what you are talking about."

Sephiroth's eyes became green slits. "Well, I guess you should find out."

"What! You're not my boss! V—"

"I know that. Now, go find out."

"But—"

"But nothing. Now go."

As Tseng left the office, he could not help wondering what had just transpired. In the main hall, he pulled out his cell phone.

* * *

RSL watched the two Turks enter the lobby. One had a disheveled uniform and bright red hair. The other was bald, but had kept his black suit in perfect condition. The two scanned the lobby. The bald one was very quiet while the redhead would babble incessantly. _I wonder how they get that music to follow them around…

* * *

_Jessie pranced into Sephiroth's office. "Sephy-kins, here's your paperwork for today… I filled out everything for you. All that's needed are a few signatures… Do you need anything else?" 

Sephiroth shook his head. After the little girl left, Sephiroth sighed. This was the third day this _fake_ had been here. She was helpful, kind, and sweet. Why did he want to strangle her?

Reno and Rude slammed the door open. "We've got it!"

Sephiroth glared at the two men. _All they've been doing is drinking… _"And?"

Reno slapped a file down. Opening it he showed various photos of the pseudo-Jessie doing various activities. He pulled out a fingerprint sample and waved it in front of Sephiroth's face. "This, my friend, proves that the secretary outside is…………………………………. Your secretary, Jessie!"

"WHAT!"

The secretary peered inside the office. "Did you need anything sir?"

"Uh, no. Go back to work… How can that be?"

Reno smirked at the confused man. This was one of the few times the 'Great Sephiroth' was wrong. That did not make the answer any easier to say. "… Well, it's kinda…. Well, um…" Reno glanced back at his partner who merely adjusted his tie. "… It's sorta… It's, um, sorta like…."

"Spit it out," Sephiroth growled.

Rude took pity on his babbling partner. "PMS, sir."

Sephiroth's brow wrinkled. "…. Excuse me?"

"…. Uh…. She's got PMS…" Reno mumbled.

Sephiroth thought about what he had been told by the men as the snuck outside. He was not a woman…. His mother had died in childbirth… He drudged up from the depths of his subconscious conversations he had overheard on the subject. Most indicated that PMS caused women to become irrespicably evil. So what was going on here? _Jessie is an evil _psycho_… So, maybe PMS makes her good and normal?_

Pondering, he heard a gunshot. Outside, RSL was clinging to the top of a bookshelf. Jessie's floral print was gone. Her eyes had regained their insanity. Her body had matured back into its harsh form.

_Damn._

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. _No, seriously review. Having only 7 people review is not the most constructive thing (plus the only part I know precicly what to write isan ending...)._

Bunny points to Lily Silver for reviewing this time (and some more for all reviewers in general).


	6. Episode 05

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Note: Botanophobia is the fear of plants.

I would like to apologize to all vegetarians and plant lovers in advance.

* * *

**The Secretary**

**_Episode 05: Lunch_**

"Why do I have to go?" Sephiroth whined. Zack had been babbling about his girlfriend's cooking the entire walk.

"More importantly, why the hell do _I_ have to?" Jessie snapped. She had been glaring at the porcupine-head with no effect.

Both questions remained unanswered, as Zack jumped merrily. He was pointing at a cottage surrounded by flowers. The slums beneath the plate were dirty, dank, and dark. This home was clean, cheery, and sunny. Sephiroth knew there should not be any sunlight in this area so close to the central pillar. _Is that… a waterfall?_

Jessie started trembling. She did _not_ like flowers. She did _not_ like grass. She did _not_ like trees. _I am _not_ scared. I am _not_ scared. I am _not_ scared…_

Zack knocked on the door. A young woman of about 16 opened it. Zack kissed the girl before she could say anything. Zack walked past her shouting out his companions' names. Aerith bowed slightly as she formally introduced herself.

Her pink dress reminded Sephiroth of a cake. It made Jessie glad that it lacked a floral print. Aerith ushered the pair inside. "My mothers's not home, but please make yourselves at home."

The dining room was very cozy. A wooden table, a few bookcases, and many flowers filled the room. Sephiroth could smell lunch cooking from the kitchen. "Something smells good."

Jessie tried to avoid looking at the table's vase. She sought refuge watching Zack carry a pair of chairs from the upstairs.

Aerith went into the kitchen to fetch the lunch she had spent all day cooking. Sephiroth pulled out a chair. Jessie sat down in the chair Zack offered her. Zack fetched plates and silverware from the kitchen and prepared the table.

Aerith held a pot near the door. "Okay, I made some delicious oven-roasted root vegetables with a black bean purée."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. "… Sounds healthy?"

Aerith smiled as she ladled the silver-haired man a serving. "Oh, didn't Zack tell you? I'm a vegetarian."

Jessie became very pale. "… Uh… Could I use your bathroom?"

"Sure, it's right up—"

Jessie was up the stairs before Aerith finished. The bathroom door slammed.

"—stairs?"

Zack was munching loudly. Sephiroth inspected his meal before eating a bite. He quickly wolfed his down. _I've never had anything so…_ Sephiroth had always been served cafeteria food. Edibility was the importance not taste.

* * *

RSL looked around the office. "Sephiroth? Jessie? Anybody here?" When no noise sounded, the SOLDIER grinned devilishly.

Within a few minutes, he was wearing only his boxers, while lip-synching and dancing.

* * *

"Jessie's been in there for a while…" Sephiroth worried. Whenever Jessie was missing for more than a few seconds, something bad always happened. She had been in the bathroom for almost half an hour. 

Sephiroth rose from his seat and began upstairs. He knocked, but there was no answer. "Jessie… Are you okay?"

_Still no answer. _He slowly creaked the door open. The bathroom was empty. A tiny window let a breeze lift his hair.

"_BWAHAHAHAHA!"_

He peered out the window. "Oh, #$."

* * *

"_BWAHAHAHAHA!"_

"The hell…" Zack and Aerith burst out of the front door. They watched as Sephiroth's secretary charred the greenery with a blowtorch.

Aerith did not cry. She did not yell. "… You think she's a botanophobe?"

Zack shook his head. "She's pretty psycho in general."

* * *

Sephiroth led Jessie back to his office. This escapade had cut into both of their schedules. When Sephiroth entered his office he found someone sitting in his chair… Without any pants on.

RSL had his eyes closed, and appeared to be sleeping.

Sephiroth went into the lobby, andcalled his secretary over. She went into the office, and dragged the young man out by his hair.

"Good job, Jessie."

"I know."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. _No, seriously review. Having only 8 people review is not the most constructive thing (plus the only part I know precisely what to write is an ending…). And yes, _way _more people are reading this. 04 alone has40 hits and only 2 reviewers (Lily Silver & Silver Kitsune 013)._

…Am I the only one who views Aerith as a hippy flower-child?

I'm not sure if I will update on the weekend or not. I'll have to find out what I have to get done.


	7. Episode 06

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: Translations are underlined.

Reviewing is a really nice and easy way to say "keep writing," you lazy bums (you know who you are).

Warning: Before Crisis spoiler.

* * *

**The Secretary**

**_Episode 06: Wark_**

Sephiroth stared at the feathery beasts. They were making a lot of fuss. RSL was trying to calm his bird down. Sephiroth's black chocobo seemed apprehensive. RSL's pink fowl was trying to eat the SOLDIER's hair.

Shinra's vehicles were all occupied, so the pair was stuck with these birds. _This mission is going to be very interesting._

* * *

Jessie typed away at her computer. The place was quiet for once. She looked out into the hallway. No one was on this floor. _Good. _

She turned the lobby television. Her boss hated the thing and demanded it never be turned on. She flipped through a few channels finding none of the Shinra Company programs interesting. _How many soap operas need to be on at one time!_

Jessie turned the flashing box off. Crawling behind it, she began to remove wires. The brunette stood up and began to disconnect wires to her phone and computer. After rearranging the wires, and exchanging a few chips, Jessie turned the television back on. She had successfully hacked into the Shinra Electric's security camera system.

"I wonder what the Turks are up to…"

* * *

The black chocobo, Bebe, was pissed. The human on her back had draped his jacket over her hind. It itched a lot. The man demanded she keep up the fast pace. His really heavy sword had been tied around her neck. "Wark, warrrkk, wa'kk. Warr' _warrk_ wark-wark." Arrogant #$ bastard. Bet he's making up for _something_.

Choco the Pink glanced at her partner. Choco's rider was a complete moron. He kept yelling "mush," whatever that meant. "Wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr—." You mean he has that big sword because he has a small—

The silver-haired human had pulled his reigns. _Now he wants to stop._ The stupider human kept bouncing along for a measure. They had arrived at a sizable town. _Great _more &_#'n' humans._

* * *

Jessie blinked in disbelief. She watched as Reno chases a small, baby chocobo around a desk. _O—kay. So much for finding out anything interesting. _She flipped through the channels rapidly. She stopped on a scene of Hojo's laboratory. 

This was even stranger than catching Scarlet biting off her toenails. One of the lab assistants was chasing a small chocobo. The small chocobo was chasing Professor Hojo.

"Did someone release a bunch of chocobos in the building?"

* * *

Junon had been overrun with terrorists. With the limited information he had, he knew that AVALANCHE had infiltrated the base. _What are they after?_

RSL was taking up the rear. _Jessie's shotgun_ _lessons are paying off._ What terrorists the Masamune could not reach were blasted by the 3rd Class. They dashed through the city, killing anyone in their way.

Then, they saw the Sister Ray Cannon. It was aimed towards the mountains. _Their trying to destroy Midgar! "_Oh #$!"_

* * *

_

Jessie had found President Shinra's office on the television. The tubby idiot was arguing with his _HOT_ son. 

"_These AVALANCHE bastards. Always causing trouble." The President was pissed._

"… _And what do you want me to do about it? Sephiroth took forever to get there, because someone decided to use all of the helicopters, airships, and automobiles for picking up women."_

Jessie watched as an adult chocobo entered the office. Both Shinras seemed shocked. _This may be the best day ever.

* * *

_

Bebe looked over at Pinky. Pinky seemed nervous. "Wark waa'rrkk w'rkk." Something wrong? Pinky was the first chocobo to know when it would rain. Pinky seemed to realize things faster than anyone. 

"Waaaaaark wa'kk warkk wa'." I think that big metal tube is suppose to face the other way.

The black chocobo glanced upwards. _Oh, $&#._

* * *

BWAHAHAHAHA; cliff hanger, that's what you get for not reviewing. 

Bunny points to Lily Silver and SilverKitsune013 for reviewing.


	8. Episode 07

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: More depressing/angsty than funny this time, I think. _I can't write everything to be humorous._

Warning: Before Crisis spoiler (some dialogue taken from Episode 3, Mission 4).

* * *

**The Secretary **

_**Episode 07: #$!**_

Jessie continued listening to the Shinras arguing. She had stopped watching hours ago. The secretary scribbled quickly in her notebook. Writing in a glyphic language, she recorded information. No one would be able to translate it. Symbols represented vague concepts that could be built upon to clarify and to indicate the use. Punctuation marks were nonexistent in her made-up language.

Her inner monologue had stopped working. She was to absorbed copying the information. Jessie knew what was really happening at Junon would never appear on the Shinra News Network. Most of the higher-ups were not even let in on what happened most of the time. Which could explain the incompetent performances.

The two Shinras continued arguing over whose fault it was that AVALANCHE had infiltrated the base. The vice-president claimed it was the company spending too much money on _"useless"_ projects such as the rocket ships. The president claimed that the Turks were to blame for not _"nipping the problem in the bud." _That it was the the president's decision for both causes was left unsaid. It would not have been an effective argument.

* * *

RSL was becoming exhausted from the running. Sephiroth had not even broken a sweat. 

They finally reached an intersection. One path would lead to the Junon underwater reactor and the dock. The other would take one to the airship strip.

"Split up!" Sephiroth yelled as he chose his path. RSL began down his, finally going a slower pace.

RSL turned down various hallways trying to find the terrorists. The place was noticeably empty. _I wonder if the Turks secured this area first._

He went down a narrow alleyway, and found a dead end. He turned around, and found himself surrounded.

The AVALANCHE members did not wait for an explanation, or an excuse. RSL felt himself filled with bullets.

The terrorists walked off leaving the corpse behind.

RSL's spirit floated in a black void. Shortly, streams of mako-green light began to envelope around him. It felt warm to him. It always did. Then he was hurtled out of the green space.

After a few minutes, RSL's body sat up. "That _really_ #&$'n' hurts."

* * *

Sephiroth could hear a struggle ahead of him. _"I've lost!"_ A woman cried. 

"_Disgraceful."_ The victor commented. Another woman. _Interesting. "A fitting end for the likes of you."_

Sephiroth reached the doorway to see a long-haired, dirty blond Turk clutching her stomach in pain. A shorthaired brunette stood over the business suited woman. _Must be the leader._

"Down with the Shinra!" The AVALANCHE woman screamed.

Sephiroth raised Masamune to the terrorist's neck. "That's as far as you go."

The woman backed away from the blade. "It can't be. You're..." The woman kept her hand on her weapon.

Sephiroth raised his hand to slash the woman down to size, but… "Impressive. You blocked my attack." _No one has ever stopped Masamune… What's going on?_

Despite not meeting her body with the blade, the woman began to crumble from the force. "Urgh. So it really is you... 'The Silver Haired Soldier' - Sephiroth!"

_I sense something… different about her._ "What's your name?"

"My name's Elfe. The leader of Avalanche." _I called it._

The Turk began to pull herself off from the floor. "This woman's their leader!" _How _did_ she join the Investigation Department?_

Elfe ignored the outburst. "Sephiroth, why do you fight?"

Sephiroth wanted to yell at the woman. To tell her that it was his job, but nothing would come out. "..."

"We have a reason for fighting. By retreating today, we are victorious." Elfe fled the scene. _A reason for fighting... _

The Turk was mumbling something to herself. Sephiroth yelled, "Hey, you." The Turk seemed shocked.

_This girl is _so _dense… I suppose I should give her a clue._ "I sense an exceptional power coming from her. Tell your superiors not to take her lightly."

As he left, Sephiroth mumbled, "...Fighting for a reason she says..."

He could still hear the shotgun wielding Turk as she said, _"Sephiroth... Elfe... They can't be human..."_

_I _think_ I'm human._

* * *

"_So, Sephiroth secured Junon… Good." _President Shinra held the phone to his ear. 

Jessie allowed herself to smile at the knowledge. Not that she doubted her boss could do it.

"_Was the leader apprehended… WHAT AM I PAYING YOU FOR!... 'Elfe,' huh?—"_ Jessie stopped writing when she heard the name. _It couldn't be… _

* * *

Sephiroth met RSL in the corridors of the Junon base. 

RSL was looking at his feet. "… Boss, we've got a problem."

"What kind of problem?"

* * *

Pinky and Bebe raced along the plains. "Warrk wark." Suicidal #$$ humans.

* * *

RSL glanced out the window. "Er, the chocobos ran away." 

Sephiroth sighed and shook his head. "We have to walk back to Midgar then?"

"Yeah."

"Great. Just great."

_

* * *

One month later. _

The two SOLDIERs poured themselves into the office. Sephiroth had ripped his coat in several places. The Midgar Zolom had eaten RSL so many times they stopped counting.

Sephiroth glanced at the flashing box. _Why is that thing… on? _Sephiroth stared at the screen. Hojo was being chased by a rapid chocobo. Taped next to the screen was a small note:

_Sephy-kins:_

_Sorry, I couldn't see you get back. I figured this would make up for it._

_Jessie_

* * *

Jessie finished adjusting the camera and watched Hojo run around his lab. _These birds are kinda cute when their mad._

The chocobo screeched. Chocobuckle! "Warrk, war'kk." Steal my greens will you! 

* * *

Translations of the BC dialogue is taken (without permission) from THE FFVII COLLECTION (http/xthost.info/ffwebnovel). They were translated by Xcomp, and I happen to really like his/ her work. If you get a chance, I highly recommend the site. 

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

Bunny points to Fallen Angle of Dark, Echobrain, SilverKitsune013, and Lily Silver for reviewing.


	9. Episode 08

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: ... More angst lines (not as much as yesterday's at least); I blame my roommate and not having enough sugar/caffeine while writing.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 08: Happy N. B. D._**

Jessie grinned devilishly. She clutched the box tightly to her chest. Her girlish hands had caused parts of the cardboard to collapse inward. _He'll have a heart attack…_

The office was almost perfect. The medicinal yellow walls were covered with black paper. Silver streamers draped about the ceiling. Jessie placed the box tenderly onto the desk.

"Everyone ready?"

Giggles, a few grunts, and a simple "…" were her replies.

* * *

Sephiroth had a long night. Rufus ordered him to guard one of the entrances to Midgar. He stood around keeping guard on an empty street until 4AM. Apparently, the Turks were incapable of doing anything. 

Sephiroth opened the door to the lobby. Jessie and RSL were both missing.Sephiroth glanced at the clock. He was ten minutes late. _I have a bad feeling about this…_

He looked towards his office. The door was still intact. He could not smell anything on fire. Yet…

He took in a deep breath. He opened the door. It was dark. Sephiroth narrowed his eyes he could make out shapes. Shapes that were not typical to his office. His hand instinctively clutched Masamune's handle. He moved into the room, listening for any noise.

Something moved behind him, towards the door. The lights flashed on. "SURPR—" people around him started to shout. They stopped as they saw RSL's limp body by the door.

Sephiroth stared at the damage. His face became blank. His eyes wide.

Jessie stepped next to him. "You really know how to kill a party; do you know that?"

Sephiroth turned to his secretary. His eyes looked through her towards the ground. "… 'Party'?" His voice was hollow.

Reno, perched on the desk, added "Yeah, we wanted to throw you a birthday party." RSL began to pull himself up from the bloody mess.

"… 'Birthday'?"

Zack stepped around him, slapping his back. "We figured ya needed a party."

Sephiroth shook his head. "But, I-I don't have a birthday…" The giant man had been reduced to a small child.

Jessie grinned, as she began to scrub RSL's blood off the door. "Which is why this is a 'N. B. D.' As everyone here has a 'not-birthday' today, it seemed perfect."

"Oh."

* * *

The vice-president researched all of the higher-ups in the Shinra Corporation. Most of Sephiroth's file had been classified. _Sometime I'm going to need to get that little_ pyro _to 'hack it' for me…_

Rufus had gravitated towards the man of the hour. "So, you really don't know your birthday?"

Sephiroth had loosened up since he had arrived (thanks a great deal to Reno 'spiking' everything). "My mother died in childbirth… My father?" Sephiroth shook his head. "I guess the closest to a father I had was Professor Gast, but he…"

Sephiroth did not have to explain. Rufus knew what happened to the professor. Everyone did, even if no one talked about it.

_I guess this would be a bad time to ask him to knock off my old man..._

* * *

Zack and Aerith were flirting in the corner. Reno and Rude were engaged in a drinking contest. RSL was out to get some more food. Jessie was left on the couch watching. Tseng wasas interesting as a wall. 

_I wonder… How flammable _are_ those streamers…_

The not-birthday cake sat on the desk. The candles stood up, recently blown out. _RSL needs to hurry up. I'm _so_ hungry..._

* * *

RSL returned with bags of food. "Hot from Wall Market! I picked up the 'Korean B.B.Q. Plate,' 'Sushi Plate,' and 'Today's Special.' There should be more than enough for lunch." RSL was quickly surrounded by mobs of ravenous Shinra employees. "OW! WHO BIT ME!" 

Tseng darted his eyes guiltily towards the door.

* * *

Rude watched Reno become increasingly engaged in the sushi. The redhead needed something to counteract all of the alcohol in his stomache. Rude, on the other hand, knew how to hold his liquor… 

Rude sniffed at the air. _What's that smell?

* * *

_

RSL picked at the B.B.Q. His fingers were quickly becoming sticky. "Sephiroth, you're smart…" 

"I suppose." The silver haired man conceded.

"… Do you know what a 'Korea' is?"

Sephiroth stared at the ground, deep in thought. "… Honestly, I have no idea… Maybe it's a type of animal?"

Sephiroth saw something flickering out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head to see Jessie twirling a silver streamer. A streamer that had been lit on fire. _Figures she would try to burn the place down._

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

About the " Korea" line, am I the only one bothered by references to places/cultures that do not exist in the FF7 universe? _Then again, I'm kind of a nerd..._

Notes: I may not be updating as frequently for a variety of reasons: 1) My roommate is really $!$!'n' up my sleep schedule...; 2) I got my copy of FF7 ultimania omega (which kicks ass by the way); and 3) KH2 anxiety.

Bunny points to Akiraine of Gia, SilverKitsune013, and Echobrainfor reviewing.


	10. Episode 09

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: Loosely based on Alice in Wonderland (which I actually hate with a passion). Cross-dressing and "cross-species-ing" ahead; "gender is a social construct."

* * *

**The Secretary **

_**Episode 09: Hearts**_

Sephiroth felt his eyes becoming heavy with sleep. His eyes battered closed. Waking up with a start he flung his eyes fling open. His office had disappeared, replaced by a field. Sephiroth looked around trying to figure out where he was. Why was something he would deal with after he found Midgar.

Looking about he realized that his black coat was gone. There was a blue dress and white apron in its place. _She_ bolted off the ground. Checking quickly, Sephiroth breathed a sigh of relief. _Still a man… Good._

Sephiroth's eyes caught a flash of white. He turned his head to see Scarlet. With rabbit ears. And tail. And clothes that _covered_ more than half her body. "I'm late! I'm late! I'm late for a very important date!" Scarlet the white rabbit ran towards a hole. She dropped a pocket watch, scooped it up, and jumped down the hovel.

Sephiroth stared at the rabbit hole. His eyes blinked. _What is going on?_ Taking a deep breath, Sephiroth followed after Scarlet. He fell. And fell. And fell some more. And kept falling. He passed cabinets and clocks suspended in midair.

Eventually he reached the bottom of the hole. He landed gently into a hallway. He walked along the hall until he reached a small room. On the glass table was a small bottle and a bottle. The bottle had a cute tag reading "drink me." Sephiroth picked up the vial. He opened it up, and sniffed the liquid. "Well… Jessie didn't make it…" Sephiroth slung his head back and downed the drink.

Sephiroth watched as the room grew about him. He watched as a mouse hole became large enough for him to pass through. He found himself in a green forest. Mushrooms, the size of a house, stood proudly. He heard talking somewhere ahead of him.

A small cottage, nestled between oversized grassblades, sat ahead of him. On the left side, a gate swung outwards. Walking through the iron fence, Sephiroth found a large table decorated cheerfully. At the far end, he could make out an oversized hat and a march hare. Coming closer to the pair, he realized it was a masculine Jessie and a rabbit-version of RSL.

"Jessie! RSL! Do you guys know what's going on?" The duo exchanged worried glances.

The hat-wearing Jessie spoke up. "You must be mistaken… I'm the Mad Hatter and this is the March Hare. Although, you should introduce yourself seeing as you're the one intruding on our tea party."

Sephiroth darted his eyes between the Mad Hatter and the hare. He tilted his head. "I'm Sephiroth."

The March Hare jumped up and pulled out a chair. "Here, have a seat, Miss Sephiroth."

Sitting down, "… I'm a guy…"

Not-Jessie laughed. "Whatever you say."

* * *

Sephiroth had sat with the babbling idiots for at least a few hours. "Do you know what time it is?"

The Mad-Hatter smiled. "Same time it always is. Six in the evening; tea time."

"… Is it that late? I really should be going…" Sephiroth dashed towards the woods. _I must be going insane._

Sephiroth found himself back in the hallway he had originally passed through. He turned around to find nothing but a wall. _What is going on? _Returning to the tiny room with a glass table, he decided to get the little key. _The room must have returned to its normal size. _Sephiroth walked to a door, and unlocked it. Beyond, he saw a rose garden.

He watched as playing cards dashed this way and that. He heard a bugle sound and turned to see a procession. The cards marched past him. Following the cards, Queen _Rufus_ and King _Tseng _stopped before him.

"Who are _you_!" Queen "Rufus" shouted.

Sephiroth looked at the ground. "I'm not even sure anymore…"

Rufus shook her head. "Care to play croquet?"

Sephiroth had never heard of the game. Considering the playing cards about, it was easy to assume that the game would be a card game. He agreed to play. He was presented a pink bird (who complained a lot) and a hedgehog that kept unrolling itself from a ball.

Sephiroth watched as all the players stuck their hedgehog balls at once. He eventually gave up trying to play and snuck off towards the edge of the gardens.

"Not having fun, little girl?" A floating Reno-cat asked.

Sephiroth was used to the people he knew not being themselves. "… I'm not a girl."

Reno-cat laughed. "Then why are you in a dress?"

"Why would I know? Why are you a cat?"

Reno-cat's body began to fade in and out. "It would be odd for the 'Cheshire Cat' to be a dog, wouldn't you think?"

Sephiroth heard a commotion behind him. He turned to see the procession heading towards him. The queen was shouting something he could not make out. The Cheshire Cat had become just a head.

"Off with his head!" Rufus screamed. The procession began to debate on whether a head _could_ lose its head. Rather than wait for the answer, Reno-cat dissolved himself into a sliver of a smile and eventually disappeared completely.

* * *

This trial was getting out of hand. The Mad Hatter and the March Hare had been arguing about what day it was the crime had been committed. Judge Tseng seemed annoyed at the pair. Not-Jessie claimed it was today. Not-RSL commented that the Mad Hatter's watch was broken (because the March Hare had tried to fix it with butter).

The king dismissed the bickering pair and called the little girl-man to the stand. Sephiroth froze. "But, why?"

"To the stand, young lady." Sephiroth sat on the witness stand, his hands absently trying to straighten his apron. "…Now, what can you tell us about the case at hand?"

"But, I don't know anything about the case." As Sephiroth sat dumbly in the box, he realized that he was growing large. The more his nimble fingers stroked the fabric, the more he grew.

"Well, if you cannot give any evidence, then please step down."

Rabbit-Scarlet rushed before the king. "Sir, sir! All witnesses must provide a statement!"

"Fine… Miss what could you tell us?"

Sephiroth thought on his day. "… This is all stupid."

The queen stood indignant. "That is not testimony!"

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes. He was overflowing the witness stand. "You're also stupid."

Rufus shouted for the guards to decapitate the witness. By the time the card army arrived, Sephiroth was breaking through the ceiling. The cards jumped upwards, trying to attack the silver-haired giant.

Sephiroth placed his arms in front of his face and closed his eyes.

* * *

_"Boom."_

Sephiroth's eyes flung open. He was sitting in his office. He looked down onto his lap. He was no longer in a dress. _That's a relief._

RSL flung the door open. "Boss! Do you know where a fire extinguisher is?"

Sephiroth pointed towards the corner. He did not ask why it was needed. He did not need to. RSL grabbed the red cylinder and dashed out.

After a few minutes, Jessie entered the office. "Sir? Here is the pap—" The secretary rubbed her eyes. She placed a hand over her mouth in a vain attempt to cover her laughter.

"What is so funny?"

Jessie dug through her briefcase. She pulled out a compact and presented it to him. Sephiroth opened it up and looked in. One of the SOLDIER candidate's application's had been transferred to his face. "I hate naps…"

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

Bunny points to Lily Silver, Stars of Shadow, Akiraine of Gia, SilverKitsune013, and Echobrain for reviewing.


	11. Episode 10

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: Jessie talks "like a sailor;" no offense to sailors.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 10: Kalm_**

Jessie trekked through the slums. She turned left, left, right, and began to climb up a pile of debris. Jessie had taken this route so often she knew which parts were drier and which would cause her to sink in.

Her business dress had been replaced by her "casual" wear: her hair was in a ponytail; a headband kept her long bangs from falling into her amber eyes; a navy body suit was covered by mythril plates; a pair of olive green peddles pushers sat laxly; and a pair of brown combat boots dressed her.

She preferred to look like she was going to a battle. No one could say when it would be necessary. Seeing as she was usually responsible for these confrontations was beside the point.

At the Sector 5 gate, Jessie flashed her Shinra badge. The guard waved her through. On the other side she had arranged for a chocobo to be waiting. The yellow chocobo narrowed its eyes. _Can chocobos give dirty looks?_ Jessie swung a brown bag over the bird. She nimbly lifted her body up. _And I told Mom I'd never use those gymnastics lessons…_

She leaned close to the chocobo's neck and kicked it to get it galloping. The rush of wind beside her body; the sound of the air passing her ears. _Exhilarating. _

Suddenly, the chocobo swung the front of its body upwards. Jessie fell towards the ground with enough time to see the chocobo run in the opposite directions. Jessie began to lift herself up only to match eyes with an oversized lizard.

It hissed at the petite woman as she stood up. She grabbed her bag, and stuck a hand in. "Man, did you pick the wrong bitch…" Jessie pulled out a grenade and hurled it towards the beast. It roared in response and charged her. It sunk teeth in and backed away.

Jessie began to notice she had become green and seemed to release lime-colored bubbles when she exhaled. "… Bastard." Jessie grabbed her twin quicksilver guns from her belt. And fired severally rounds into the scaly hide.

As the beast dissolved into mako—_lifestream_—Jessie began to wipe gunk off of herself. _Stupid chocobo… Should have turned it into dinner. _Jessie used her hand to block the sun as she gazed towards the north. She still had twenty _miles_ to her destination. _Great. Just #$# great._

* * *

Jessie arrived safely at Kalm. The environment was not so lucky. Shortly after fighting her third or fourth monster, she had equipped her bazooka. Indentations littered the land between Midgar and the tiny town.

Jessie swung the bag as she walked. Anyone seeing her would have mistaken her for a child playing "dress up" and "pretend" games. No one would think this little girl caused the Great Sephiroth to tremble in fear.

Jessie entered the inn. A young woman was working by the desk. She lifted her head at the sound of a bell rigged to the door. "Can I help—oh, are you lost, Little Girl?"

Jessie gritted her teeth. _You are _so _lucky you're not RSL right now…_ "I am _not_ a 'little girl'." _Bitch._

The blonde woman tilted her head. "Of course you're not, _Dear._ Now, what did—" She froze as the brunette pointed one of her quicksilvers at the woman's head.

"I am not going to ask you to stop being rude. That does not mean I will not _kill_ you for it… Now, could you tell me if anyone has left a memo addressed to 'Pyro'?"

The blonde shook her head slowly. Her eyes had become wide. Jessie turned and walked out. She bothered to mumble a "thank you" as the door closed.

Jessie walked and entered a small house. She walked up the stairs and stopped before a chest. She reached under her headband and pulled out a "mini-keycard." She slid it through the reader on the trunk, and opened it up. Inside, various notebooks and papers sat. A few miscellaneous disks were strewn haphazardly.

Jessie opened her brown bag, and began to toss documents and photographs inside. She finished it with a green notebook that was falling apart. She closed the trunk making sure the "click" sounded.

"_Du-di-di-du-du."_ Jessie jumped from the wooden floor. She patted herself searching for her cell phone.

"Yes? Oh, hi Seph—why the hell would I—I'm a secretary, not a mind reader……. Fine, I'll come in." Jessie hung up the phone. _He's such a little bitch._

Jessie glanced out the window. The sun was setting already. She reopened her flip-phone and began to dial. "Hey, it's Jessie… Could you get me a 'copter? … Kalm… See ya soon."

Jessie walked back down the stairs, and exited the town. She sat down atop a bolder and waited for her ride.

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

Bunny points to anyone who remembered quicksilver is Vincent's initial equip.

Bunny points to Stars of Shadow, Lily Silver, SilverKitsune013, and Lady Duzie for reviewing.


	12. Episode 11

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: A masque (shorting of "masquerade ball") is an event that requires the participants to arrive in costume (usually including a mask). It is similar to a modern "costume party" except it is usually quite a bit more formal.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 11: Little White Card_**

Sephiroth strode through the Shinra halls. _I am so sick of that _brat_ taking it easy._ Ready to pounce on his tiny secretary, he swung the lobby's door open.

Jessie was staring at something on her desk. She was quite pale. Sephiroth moved closer to see what had frightened her. In the center of her desk was a small, white envelope. Her name was written in a cursive script, and the Shinra emblem sat on a corner.

Sephiroth glanced at his watch in dread. Was it really that time of year? Like Jessie, he did not need to see the contents of the envelope to know what horrors it entailed.

Jessie turned her eyes to her superior. Her eyes' psychotic mirth had been replaced by fear. "Do you think I could call in sick?"

Sephiroth shook his head solemnly. He had gone to Wutai to avoid it, but… _They'll kidnap you if they have to…_

Sephiroth entered his office to find RSL in a similar state of shock. He held a white card in his hand. The envelope, ripped in several places, had been tossed to the floor. His eyes kept rereading the note. Each time they looked larger.

Sephiroth took in a deep breath. He sat into his chair. On his desk, another white envelope sat. He stared at a few moments, before pulling out a silver letter opener. It had been a "not birthday" present from Tseng; it looked like a miniature version of Masamune. Sephiroth fingered the tool a few moments, a smile across his face.

_Guess I should get this over with._ He ripped through the envelope's seal, and removed the white card. He read the fine, red script:

_Mister Sephiroth_

_You are cordially invited to_

_the Annual Shinra Masque._

It was scheduled for Friday of the next week. It did not include a note to RSVP, as the event was mandated. _Otherwise, no one would come._

* * *

Jessie felt as if she would cry. She remembered the last Shinra Masque she had to go to. 

Shinra Electrical Company had a shortage of female employees. So the few women around would be treated like prizes—_livestock_—the days before the event. The higher an employee, the more presumptuous they were.

_/Flashback/_

Jessie stood by her date. Palmer dumped more lard into the punchbowl. _Someone kill me now._

Her black mask itched, she had to wear heels, and her _damn #$& _dress caught on every table, plant, and passerby.

_/End/_

* * *

The first time Sephiroth had gone to the Shinra Masque was the first time it had transpired. Zack had "escorted" him, mostly for the free alcohol. Every year, it seemed President Shinra had managed to make it worse. 

_I was so excited to go. How naïve I was… _

_/Flashback/ _

Scarlet strewed herself across the piano. And sang. Badly. Very badly.

_/End/ _

Sephiroth was still unsure whether her singing or the sight of her body was more emotionally scaring.

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

If anyone has a preference on who gets to the honor/ horror of taking Jessie, please speak up. Or any other pairs for that matter. Anyone is fair game (excluding Zack; he's already got a date). You do not need to worry about keeping up with my writing pace to give a suggestion (there will be a few episodes between this one and the masque).

For anyone who's interested, the plot to this piece of fluff did not appear out of no where. I had a general idea of where I wanted to go when I started writing. I just have a great distaste for foreshadowing and "cause-effect" formats when I write. Ends up being too predictable

Bunny points to Stars of Shadow, SilverKitsune013, Echobrain, and Lily Silverfor reviewing.


	13. Episode 12

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Note: "Kukudhi" is how RSL refers to Jessie in his head.

I decided to post both 11 and 12 together because they're kinda short. That and I wrote them about 2 hours apart.

Yay! More fluff!

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 12: Work_**

Sephiroth stared at the paperwork before him. He had been looking at it for the last two hours, and nothing had gotten done. It did not help that Jessie was using RSL for target practice. _Again._ Every few minutes would yield another explosion, gun shot, and/ or bone chilling scream.

Jessie popped her head into the office. "Sir? Your two o'clock is ready." She left quickly. _I don't think I have any appointments today…_

Rufus strode into the office, acting as arrogant as ever. His white jacket swayed as he moved closer. He slammed his fist into the desk. "How _dare_ you!"

Sephiroth looked around checking to see if anyone else was about. "Excuse me?"

Rufus's lips pulled back. Through clenched teeth he growled, "_How_ dare _you_."

Sephiroth blinked. He blinked again. _He's still here. I guess he's real._ "How dare I what?"

Rufus pulled himself away from the desk. He walked towards the window. "You know _damn well_ what you did." He placed one pale hand against the window. He looked as if he would fall if it did not hold him up.

Outside, it rained atop the plate. Sephiroth looked at the vice-president's fragile form. _I wonder if Hojo 'played' with him… _"Honestly, I have no idea what you are talking about."

* * *

RSL paced the halls of the Shinra Building. He was lost. _Why couldn't Kukudhi take these? It's her damn job._

He looked at a line of "Employee of the Month" awards. For some reason, no one had bothered to post a map anywhere in the building. Officially, it was to prevent terrorists from finding any classified information. _Maybe if they had more security that wouldn't be such a $#$ problem.

* * *

_

Jessie typed away. She could hear Rufus yelling in the next room. _Poor Sephy-kins._ She glanced at her watch. _Hmm… Only twelve more minutes…

* * *

_"You took it!" 

"I took what?"

"You know damn well what!"

Sephiroth sighed. They had been at this for almost an hour, and he still had no idea why he was being yelled at. He looked at the files on his desk. _Has it become bigger?_

Jessie flew open the office door. Rufus looked as if he wanted to melt into the wall. "Vice-president Shinra, your time with Mr. Sephiroth is up." Sephiroth could see Rufus gulp. The blond dashed past the tiny secretary quickly. "Sir, you really need to finish that paperwork."

* * *

RSL finally reached the Turks' offices. He hugged the folder relieved. Inside he found Reno and Rude eating lunch. They did not notice him enter. 

"I'm tellin' ya, Rude; Rufus always has the best lunches."Reno stated. His mouth was filled with a tuna fish sandwich. On the table, a lunchbox proclaiming "Property of Rufus Shinra" laid open.

RSL faked a cough. "Could you give this to Veld?" RSL handed the package to Rude, and left hastily.

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

So, no bunny points for reviewers this time.


	14. Episode 13

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: An intranet is a "small scale internet;" it is set up to work only within a company.

Some amount of undress is loosely referenced (no details, pervs).

_As a side note, why are there more people reading 12 than 11 (we're talking a third more)? How the hell does that work? _

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 13: Choco-boxers_**

Jessie dropped her briefcase onto her desk. She had had a long night. "Hey, RSL! Get me some coffee please!" RSL walked out of Sephiroth's office towards the nearest coffee pot. Jessie pressed the "on" button of her computer. She turned in her chair to begin sifting through files.

RSL returned to the office and presented the black drink to the secretary. The brunette blew on the beverage before taking a sip. RSL had not moved. She looked up to see RSL standing with his eyes bulging and his mouth open. "… Do I have something on my face?"

RSL shook his head and pointed at the computer behind Jessie. Jessie turned her head to look at the screen. She fell out of her chair, spilling coffee all over herself. "AH! IT BURNS!"

* * *

Sephiroth was very late to work. All morning various Shinra employees had called him spouting off nonsense. 

"_Du-du-de-de-di-di-di."_ Sephiroth pulled his cell phone from his pant's pocket. "Hello?"

"_Seph, make sure you don't _come_ over here."_ It sounded like Reno, but he hung up before Sephiroth could ask.

_What is everyone talking about?_

* * *

Jessie finished wiping her blouse. _Another dress shirt gone. _"So, what are we going to tell him?" 

RSL shrugged. "We could just _not_ tell him."

Jessie narrowed her eyes. "He's gonna find out sooner or later—"

Sephiroth leaned into the lobby. "Going to find out what?"

Jessie leaned her body in front of the computer screen as RSL ushered their boss into the main office. _Oh, god… He's going to kill us…_

The secretary breathed in heavily. She ordered the computer to print.

* * *

RSL had been making small talk for nearly fifteen minutes. _Maybe he thinks being in here will keep Jessie away… _"Hah!" 

"Excuse me?" The 3rd class SOLDIER was understandably confused.

"Oh, nothing… Why don't you make some tea?" RSL nodded and left.

"_Du-du-de-de-di-di-di."Maybe I'll just let it ring… "Du-du-de-de-di-di-di." I know it is another lunatic… "Du-du-de-de-di-di-di."_

"FINE! Hello?"

"Wark, wark."

"WHAT!" Sephiroth heard the caller hang up. "…. Why me?"

"Sephiroth?" RSL presented the tray of hot tea. "Do you need anything else?"

Sephiroth shook his head, and the SOLDIER left. Shortly, Jessie came in. She was hugging a stack of paper. "Do you have a minute, Sir?"

Sephiroth knotted his brow. "You schedule my entire day. You tell me." He sipped his tea.

Jessie gave a slight shrug. Her childish hands presented the pile. Sephiroth glanced at the first image, and spewed oolong tea on his desk. He chocked and coughed as Jessie groaned at the mess she would be cleaning up.

* * *

Jessie watched as her boss reached the last page. 

"Where did you get these?"

_Business as usual. _"They're posted all over the Shinra intranet system." Jessie had enough sanity to use a black marker on the more indecent photos.

Sephiroth slunk back into his chair. He placed his hands, shaking his head, trying to 'make it all not true.' He spread his fingers to show fear-filled green eyes.

"… I tried to locate the person, but… The images were uploaded from the only public terminal that _doesn't_ have security cameras on it…."

"Could we… get them off?"

"Yeah, I already did… But, the damage has already been done."

Sephiroth reached in front of him, and pushed the pictures towards Jessie. "Could you get rid of these for me?"

"Sure." Jessie grabbed the stack and headed to the door. She paused and turned back to her boss. She held up an image. "Do you _really_ wear these?"

Sephiroth could see himself looking over his shoulder in the photograph. The image featured the great SOLDIER wearing only a pair of boxers. Boxers that had cartoonish chocobos printed all over.

"… I don't want to talk about it."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

"Make it all not true" is a _Dogma_ reference; best religious film ever.

Bunny points to Selunchen123, Stars of Shadow, Echobrain, and SilverKitsune013for reviewing/ suggesting. Oh, and feel free to continue suggesting/ reviewing. They're greatly appreciated.


	15. Episode 14

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

_Not my favorite episode…I would like to apologize for this being a piece of $#!&._

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 14: Dating (or "Oh god, kill me now.")_**

As Sephiroth passed through the Shinra halls, he tried to ignore the comments of other employees. The men cracked jokes while the female minority would solicit him for things that the SOLDIER did not even want to think about. Scratching the back of his gloved hand, he contemplated what he had done to the world to deserve this treatment...

Before he could make out what it was, a green-colored blur passed him. Turning around he could make out RSL's familiar shape. Sephiroth shook his head and entered the office. "What did you do this time, Jessie?"

The secretary shook her head rapidly. "I didn't do anything! He answered his phone, and he started turning green." Jessie shrugged her entire body. "It's _not_ my fault."

* * *

Zack paced his flat. Aerith sat on the couch, staring into space. _I get the best girl in the world, and… _"Gggrrr… It's not fair." 

Aerith looked up at her boyfriend. She giggled. It was lyrical as always. _Like listening to a waterfall._ "Well, I'm sorry, Sweety. But, you know I can't come…"

"Yeah, I know." Zack had resigned himself to the fact. _…I really don't want to get kidnapped by Scarlet…Again…

* * *

_

Jessie dashed into the SOLDIERs office. "Hide me! Please!" Sephiroth's mouth dropped as the brunette dashed behind him. 

_She's never scared… _"What is wrong with you?"

Jessie relayed the details of the man who would enter the lobby in a few moments. Luckily, RSL had emerged from the bathroom with enough time to warn her.

As Sephiroth ushered his secretary under his desk, he heard someone entering his office's lobby. _This is going to be awkward…

* * *

_

Tseng tapped his fingers on the desk. He did not know how to approach the subject. 

On the other side of his desk he could see one of the newer Turks. She was 'prim and proper;' her blond hair cut short and close to her face. A handgun sat in a holster on her waist. Her eyes were glazed over.

_This is__ hard…_

* * *

RSL watched the uninvited guest walk around the lobby. He had arrived half an hour earlier and stubbornly insisted that he was willing to wait until Jessie returned from her 'errand.' 

"Maybe you could try another day?"

* * *

Reno slammed back another whisky shot. "Still haven't found a date." Whether he was referring to himself or his companion was unknown. It did not really matter. 

Rude always had the same response. "…"

* * *

Jessie had been sitting under Sephiroth's desk for almost two hours now. She had stopped asking 'is he gone yet.' It seemed stupid after the first three or four times. 

For the first time in weeks, Sephiroth had managed to finish his work early. So the pair just sat there. Eventually, his voice pierced the silence. "You can't stay under there forever."

The secretary peered out from the mahogany mass. "Yeah… But, that doesn't mean I can't try…" She slid herself back under.

"_Du-du-de-de-di-di-di." Not again…_

Jessie climbed out from under the desk, mumbling. She pulled the phone from Sephiroth's hand, and proceeded to throw it out a window. She wiped her hands together to signify a completed task.

Sephiroth stared. "Wh—Why did you do that?"

"Because it was pissing me off… That and you kept stepping on my hand every time it rang."

"Oh… Sorry." A silence filled the room as Jessie looked out the window.

RSL burst into the office. "He's finally gone!" He seemed ecstatic for only a moment. "… Now, could you guys help me out? Scarlet wants me to take her…"

The trio simultaneous shivered at the name. Sephiroth sighed. "... You do not have a girlfriend to use as an excuse..."

"… Too bad we couldn't 'mercy kill' you." Jessie contemplated.

RSL paled. "… I think… I'm gonna go now…"

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

Bunny points to Stars of Shadow, Selunchen123, Lily Silver, Akiraine of Gia, SilverKitsune013, and Moonlight's Echofor reviewing/ suggesting.


	16. Episode 15

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: PM-84 GLAUBERYT is a Polish submachine gun. It is fairly lightweight and is intended for targets 150 meters or less. _They're kinda cute. But that's just me._

The Uzi is a family of submachine guns created in Isreal.

Some angst on RSL's part.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 15: Restrictions_**

Jessie entered her fourth dress shop of the day. _Some way to spend a day off…_ Jessie had worked quickly to work through the gowns. The restrictions she had to comply to were ridiculous. _These prices are #$!& ridiculous. _"Course none of them will work," she mumbled.

Leaving the boutique, the secretary sighed. "I'm going to need a dressmaker…Damn, stupid rules…"

_/Flashback/_

Jessie waved at her date as she left to 'powder her nose.' In the bathroom, she flung her clutch purse onto the counter. "UGH!"

She began unzipping the side of her ballroom-style skirt. Slipping out clumsily, her shorts catching on the zipper, she fell onto the floor. "Damn-it," she growled.

After pulling herself off of the floor, she continued to unzip the skirt until it ceased being cone-shaped. On the interior of the skirt, several firearms, bombs, and pyrotechnics had been painstakingly attached.

Jessie traced her hands delicately on her precious guns. "Mommy loves you," she whispered to the weapons. Her hands eventually rested on a submachine gun. "Little Glauberyt…"

_/End/_

Jessie wandered through the plate's shopping district trying to find a tailor or seamstress. _Most of these clothes were made in Junon. Weird… _

Jessie stopped in front of a 'phone shop' and stared into the window. Cell phones of various sizes and shapes sat around. This store was empty compared to the dress shops. _Everyone's too busy buying formalwear. Bleh. _

As she opened the door, a bell sounded. The store clerk, having just awaken, bounced behind the counter. "Oh, Miss! What can I help you with? We have a cute, pink phone just in.

"… I hate pink."

* * *

He had rolled into a ball and he gently rocked. His eyes were bloodshot. 

RSL had not slept in days. He could not. Every time he fell asleep he saw _her_. That laugh would echo within his dreams.

* * *

Sephiroth prowled the Midgar streets. Being 6'1" and having a silver mane did not make trying to find a tuxedo easy. When he was not chased by fan girls, he ran into walls. Most of which had a photo of him lacking proper cover. _This nightmare never ends._

The few times he found pants that had long enough lengths; the waists would swallow him whole. He could hear people ask why he wore the same thing every day. No one had ever questioned him about it.

_At least I don't have to listen to any more phone calls…_

He could see a girl bouncing towards him. She was waving wildly. _Not another one. _She was yelling something, but he could not make out what it was over the noise.

He squinted his eyes and could make out a familiar ponytail bouncing as the girl ran. The mob of people jumped out of her way, as she leapt over and rolled under. In her hand was a small bag.

She panted as she stopped in front of her boss. "Here." She lifted the bag. Sephiroth took it slowly from her hand, trying to hear if it was ticking. He peeked in. "A… cell phone?"

"Yeah… Haven't had any luck finding an 'open faced' dress though…"

"… If _someone_ had not pointed an Uzi—"

"—PM-84 GLAUBERYT—."

"—at the Head of the Space Program it would not be a problem."

"Do you blame me?" She grinned.

"……………………………No."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

Bunny points to Stars of Shadow, Selunchen123, Akiraine of Gia, and SilverKitsune013 for reviewing.

_………You guys must_ really _like the idea of Sephiroth in boxers………_


	17. Episode 16

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: Sephiroth needs prosaic. And maybe a few psychiatrists. Angsty (you can skip this one if you prefer, you won't miss much and there is about zero humor to it)

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 16: Pain_**

_Jessie-_

_I cannot come to work today._

_Go ahead and take the day off._

_-Sephiroth_

Jessie reread the note. And read it again. She pulled the note from the door. She crumbled it into a ball. "… Someone's going to die."

RSL shivered behind her.

* * *

Sephiroth sat in Hojo's laboratory. The somewhat insane professor ignored the SOLDIER, focusing on his specimens. _He likes making me wait._

Hojo eventually turned around. In his hand was an oversized syringe. It was filled with a green-blue fluid. _I hate that junk._

"Come on, Sephiroth. Take your glove off." Sephiroth pulled his left glove off. Small scars and puncture wounds marked the pale skin. Hojo grabbed it roughly, and searched for an artery.

_Sadist… _Hojo injected the bizarre liquid into the white hand._ He could do it in my arm, but he likes _watching_ me suffer… No, he likes watching _everyone_ suffer. Psycho._

Sephiroth sat very still. The less he moved, the less it would hurt. He found the light around him blinding. The noise became deafening.

He pulled himself up and stumbled to the elevator.

* * *

Zack stretched his arms. _Seph's taking longer than usual. _Beside him, his company car blocked the ambulance lane. 

Sephiroth stumbled through the Shinra building entrance. Zack resisted the urge to aid his comrade to the car. _Even if he's high, he won't stand for it._

Sephiroth opened a door and got in. Zack walked around and got into the driver's seat. He turned on the engine, and cranked the air-conditioning to the max. The older man was already sweating. Zack began driving.

After a few minutes, Zack began to talk. Whether Sephiroth would listen or not was irrelevant. _I hate silence. _"Seph', I got a confession…"

* * *

The silver haired man slid the keycard through the reader. He stumbled through the apartment. He no longer could see anything. His brain burned. His body felt like fire. _Need cold…_

Blind to the world, he made his way to the bathroom. His clothes were left somewhere. It did not matter where. He laid against the tile floor. His arm draped into the bathtub. He could feel something cool… _Ice water?_

He pulled himself from the floor and looked over the bath's side. He could only see a blur.

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

Bunny points to Selunchen123, Stars of Shadow, SilverKitsune013, MyraHellsing, and Akiraine of Gia for reviewing.


	18. Episode 17

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: Another "double update;" reason this time: the angst of last chapter didn't flow well with this half, so I just split them up…

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 17: Revenge_**

Sephiroth walked around his apartment. His minimalist furnishings matched with a minimal color palette. He stretched his body.

And stopped as he noticed something out of place. He was very neat. He never left clothes out. On the white, leather sofa was something black and silver. Sephiroth stared at it.

* * *

Jessie stood as still as she could. The charcoal fabric was at least soft. _Can't say the same thing _"OW!" _about this damn seamstress._

_At least it's emptier on a weekday. _"DAMN-IT! Would you please watch those pins!"

* * *

_Sephiroth-_

_Borrowed some of your clothes and had this custom made. Hope you like._

Sephiroth turned the card over. "No name?" The tuxedo was black with silver detailing. Silver vest, black slacks and overcoat: all made with metallic buttons. _Silk gloves even?_

He grabbed his cell phone from the coffee table. He scanned through the address book. "………………Jessie? It's Sephiroth. Did you get me a suit?"

"_What the hell—OUCH—are you talking about?"_

"You don't know?"

"_Once again, not a—bitch, I will _kill_ you—psychic."_

"Oh… Sorry then…" _Who broke in then? And why?_

* * *

Sephiroth sipped tea. "What did Zack say…?" 

_/Flashback/_

"Seph', I got a confession… I posted those photos of you… I… didn't mean for them to… get out… I'm _really_ sorry…"

_/End/_

Sephiroth's cup shattered in his gloved hand. His face had become very red. "I _will_ kill him."

* * *

_The next day._

"So…… _Why_ is Sephiroth chasing Zack with Masamune?" RSL followed the two SOLDIERs with his eyes.

"No idea… But, I like this side of Sephy." Jessie smiled.

"GET BACK HERE, ZACK!"

"NO! You'll _kill_ me!"

"Precisely!"

Sephiroth would swing Masamune; Zack would duck under or jump over. Zack pleaded for his life. Jessie placed her hand over her mouth to block the laughter.

"… So who died?" RSL scratched the back of his head.

Jessie too busy giggling, only waved a hand to her left.

* * *

"Will someone get me down!" 

Hojo, strapped to the ceiling, dangled over the bathroom stalls. He stayed for several hours as no one in Shinra would use those toilets.**

* * *

**

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 


	19. Episode 18

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: Jessie is a little melodramatic.**

* * *

The Secretary **

_**Episode 18: Masque, Act 1**_

Jessie blew a kiss at her 'babies.' "Mommy's sorry she can't take you, but it will be very boring… Mommy loves you!" She slammed the door as a tear started to form. Outside her date leaned against a convertible. _Is he stroking that goatee! _Through clenched teeth, she said "Hello, Reeve."

* * *

Sephiroth draped his gloved hands over the railing. He slowly proceeded to walk down the giant staircase. _Why do these things always have a staircase? It makes no sense. _His white mask covered most of his face, but the silver hair was a dead giveaway as to who he was. 

"Hey, Seph!" Sephiroth turned his head to see Zack waving his hand wildly. He then saw the floor as he fell down about half a flight.

He stood up, and brushed himself off. Around him he could here stifled laughter. He pressed through the crowd to the black haired SOLDIER. Zack scratched the back of his head. "Uh… I'd like you to meet—"

"I've already met you're girlfriend…" Sephiroth looked at the small woman beside Zack. She wore a strapless, violet ballroom gown with s matching choker. A giant bow tried to camouflage the waist. Her hair was blonde. Blue eyes peered from beneath a black mask shaped like bat wings. "Who are you!"

"Hey! There's no reason to be rude to Clo—dia."

"Claudia? What happened to Aerith?"

"… Long story. Tell you over drinks."

* * *

RSL tried to gnaw his own arm off. It did not help. He tried to drown himself in alcohol. It did not help. 

He could not get this woman to leave him alone.

"I wish I was dead." He took another swig of booze.

Reno, sitting beside him, mumbled, "I wish I was drunk."

* * *

Jessie could feel her eye twitching. It had been doing that for an hour. Her mask, in a flame motif, covered it nicely. Her fingers traced her mythril armlet. Inside, a fire materia rested. 

Reeve had been _babbling_ about 'the importance of urban development.' Whether it was how the plate structure functioned to development plans for factories in the slums, he found it fascinating.

Jessie, on the other hand, had an urge to hit her head against a wall. _Must resist urge…_

* * *

"Welcome everyone to the year's Masque!" President Shinra was met with groans, but he pressed on. "I'm glad to say this is the most success—" 

The vice-president stopped listening. He swirled his wine. "Stupid old man…" He sipped.

His eyes searched the room for his target.

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

Yes, before you even ask, Cloud is in a dress. Why he's in one, you can pick your own reason. He lost a bet, he likes wearing ladies' underwear, Zack drugged him, whatever.

The reason I have him crossdressing? It never made any sense to me that Aerith's first idea to sneak Cloud into Don Corneo's mansion was to stick a dress on him; most people would probably be more along the lines of "I'll open a window and you can sneak in that way" before considering crossdressing. I doubt the "Miss Cloud" plan would appear out of nowhere…

Bunny points to Selunchen123, SilverKitsune013, and Stars of Shadow for reviewing.


	20. Episode 19

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: These chapters are kinda short, huh?

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 19: Masque, Act 2_**

RSL allowed Scarlet to drag him along the ground. At this point, 'nonviolent resistance' seemed to be failing as much as 'screaming,' 'ritual suicide,' and 'crying like a little girl' had.

Scarlet was a lot stronger than her trademark red dress would indicate. She lifted him up from the floor by his vest. She moved his arms so that one hand was in hers. RSL's other hand was placed at the top of her behind….

* * *

Jessie found Zack's date on the balcony outside. "Claudia, right?"

"… Uh, yeah." Claudia sipped a drink through a straw.

Jessie leaned on the railing beside Claudia. She stared into the distant sky. _There's never any stars here. _"So… Why _are_ you in a dress?"

Claudia stared at the secretary. His voice was a broken baritone. "How did you…?" _Puberty._

Jessie smiled and placed a hand to her throat. "It's easy when you know what to look for... See you later." Jessie reentered the ballroom. "Now, where _is_ that jackass…"

* * *

Sephiroth perched himself at the bar. He could see RSL being _groped_ from here. _I think… I'm going to need to gouge my eyes out…_

Reeve sat down next to him. The head of urban development sighed. Sephiroth thought he should care. He did not, but he asked anyway, "How miserable is your evening?"

Reeve only groaned and waved down the bartender.

"… You know, if Jessie hated you, she would have killed you by now."

* * *

Rufus looked up and down, left and right. He could not find her anywhere. _That damn pyro… She better still be here… _Perched on the stair's railing, Jessie picked at some dirt under her fingernail.

The vice president climbed the staircase and resisted to push the brunette off. "Didn't I tell you to meet me outside!"

The teenager looked up, blinked, and returned to digging dirt out.

The blond growled. "You are trying my patience."

Jessie met his eyes and shrugged a shoulder. "… I'd love to see you make a scene in front of these witnes—_guests_… Poor little Rufus. 'My daddy's an idiot. My daddy doesn't love me….' Blah, blah, blah." She waved a hand over the mass of employees. "You think you are _so_ much better than them." She smiled.

"You're for getting something…. I _own_ you."

"Tell me something I _don't_ know…. Anyway, I already set up everything."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

Bunny points to Selunchen123, Stars of Shadow, SilverKitsune013, Akiraine of Gia, Echobrain, and KD Zeal for reviewing.


	21. Episode 20

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: A sheath is used to "house" a sword when not in use. It is usually worn on a belt.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 20: Masque, Act 3_**

"Down with Shinra!"

Sephiroth turned to look at the window. An AVALANCHE member had broken in. He was waving a gun around. Other terrorists had surrounded the president and the ballroom. Sephiroth reached down to his side to find Masamune was not there.

_/Flashback/_

Dressing himself in the tuxedo, he watched himself in the mirror. Masamune lay on his bed. He padded himself down, and then realized that something was missing on the ensemble.

"… Sorry, Masamune… No sheath."

_/End/_

"Aw… #$&."

* * *

"Save me!" Scarlet ordered. She threw her arms around RSL, pulling him towards the ground. 

"I'd like to say I'd love to, _but_…"

* * *

Tseng held the blonde Turk behind him. "I don't know how these guys got here but…" He stepped on his date's dress, she fell onto the floor, and he landed on her. 

Pointing a rifle into his face, an AVALANCHE member said, "Don't move, Turks… Uh, 'down with Shinra'?"

From beneath her date, the blonde Turk muttered, "You must be new."

* * *

Claudia was pushed and prodded by the terrorist. He just would not let up. "Where's your _boyfriend_, girlie?" The overly-muscled man would ask. _Zack, I'm going to kill you._

He could hear someone shouting. _Must be the leader._ "This is the President of the evil company Shinra!" The leader pushed the round, middle-aged man with his gun.

Claudia was pushed towards the obnoxious man.

* * *

Rufus tapped his foot in the bathroom. _What is taking them so long! I want him dead _now 

Rude leaned against the wall, adjusting his shades.

A bathroom stall's door swung open. Reno stumbled towards the sink. His eyes were dilated and bloodshot. He turned on the sink, and began to wash his hands. "Nev… er, do a drinkin' game with Rude…"

* * *

Reeve searched the crowd with his eyes. 

Sephiroth was being pinned by about five terrorists.

Palmer had agreed to settle down once he was given a tub of lard. _Eeewww._

Scarlet had incapacitated RSL and both had several assault rifles pointed at their heads.

Heidegger had been beaten to a pulse. _Quite rightly._

He could make out Zack's date near the terrorist leader.

_So… Where is everyone?_

* * *

Jessie sat in the broiler room. "It's too #$& hot in here… Stupid Rufus."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

Bunny points to Selunchen123, Akiraine of Gia, SilverKitsune013, and Stars of Shadow for reviewing.


	22. Episode 21

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: Sorry I didn't update in the last few days; between midterms and getting ready for Spring Break, I couldn't find time to write anything. Also, was being mean to my files, so I haven't been able to upload anything.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 21: Masque, Act 4 _**

Sephiroth found himself being sat on by an oversized behemoth of a terrorist. He had given up struggling. His clothes were not designed for grappling.

The lead terrorist had been yelling at him for quite a while now. "So, Shinra dog, we got an understanding?"

_Why do I have to deal with this_ moron "Yes… You'll kill the president if Shinra Company members continue to support him."

"…………………………………… And? Shouldn't you be saying somethin'?"

"…… These masques are horrible, so I guess I'm still _loyal_ to President Shinra." The silver-haired man would have shrugged if he could feel his arms. "I guess you have to kill him."

* * *

Zack wandered the halls. _There's gotta be a phone somewhere! _He turned left, right, left, left… He went up and down stairs. Yet, he could not find a phone anywhere. _Shoulda brought my cell phone… _

He was somewhere in the basement now. Overhead he could see pipes that dripped down on him. He found an oversized door and opened. _Hope these are stairs…_ "Jessie!"

Jessie jumped up from her spot. Her formalwear had been shredded and turned into a seat on the hot pipe. _Where did she get the jumpsuit and combat boots? _"Uh… What are you doing down here?"

"Got lost looking for a phone. You?"

Jessie darted her eyes anywhere except to Zack's blue-violet eyes. "Um…. I, uh…. Was hiding from Palmer?"

Zack tapped his foot on the floor. "Well… Do you know how we get upstairs again?"

"……………………………………………… Yeah." Jessie pulled her cell phone out of her shorts. She tossed it to the SOLDIER and began to lead the way back to the ballroom.

* * *

Claudia was too close to the muscle-bound for 'her' comfort. He had glanced at the blond_e _two hundred forty-seven—_eight_. The petite 'woman' was getting uncomfortable. 

The terrorist leader had demanded most of the Shinra employees to denounce the company. So far none had agreed.

"… So, who _did_ you come with?" The voice was next to Claudia's head. Breath was on 'her' neck.

"A jackass."

"Oh?" The oversized terrorist spun Claudia around. Before the runt knew what had happened, Claudia was _kissing _the AVALANCHE member. The blond_e _pushed away from the man.

Spitting on the ground, a masculine voice cried, "Yuck! What the $#& is wrong with you!"

The room had become deathly quiet. In 'her' falsetto voice, Claudia said, "Uh… I mean 'how dare you, you filthy scoundrel'?"

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

I'm really evil to Cloud, huh?

Bunny points to Selunchen123, Superactiveuberfreak, SilverKitsune013, Lostsoul1022, Thunderstorm101, and KD Zeal for reviewing.


	23. Episode 22

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: Another double-update. Yeah guilt!

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 22: Masque, Act 5 _**

Zack followed Jessie as she turned every which way. He began to recognize the foyer. Something told the SOLDIER that Jessie was taking her sweet time. _Why? What's wrong?_

He noticed that the music had been silenced. "Jessie… What's going on?

The brunette stopped in her tracks. She turned her head to look at her companion. She looked at the ground. Zack could see her eye start to fill with water. "… I'm sorry…"

Zack tilted his head. _She's really a child... _

* * *

Reeve watched the AVALANCHE members pace the perimeter. Beside the head of urban development, the punch bowl sat full. He could smell the bourbon Reno had poured in.

_I wonder if he's _ever_ sober. _

* * *

Reno leaned his back against the tile wall. Rufus tapped his foot. Rude shifted his eyes between the pair. His sunglasses hid his eyes well. Neither would know what he saw.

Rufus would twitch every few seconds. His eyes shifted from his pocket watch to the door. _What's he waiting for? _

Reno would occasionally droop his head, but would quickly raise it again. Usually hitting his head on the wall.

"…"

* * *

Sephiroth could hear the blast before he saw it. The goons holding him down leapt off of him. Sephiroth turned his face towards the floor, making himself as flat as possible. He could feel 'Blade Beam' pass overhead. The blue light pushed his silver hair back.

After it passed, Sephiroth sat up. Zack held his Buster Sword. The terrorists seemed to be _very_ scared.

The bar caught fire. Reeve also caught fire. "Oops… Sorry, Reeve!" The AVALANCHE members disappeared. _Leave it to Jessie to cause mass destruction… _

Sephiroth could make out Jessie standing behind the SOLDIER. _Why do _they_ have normal clothes!_

* * *

President Shinra breathed heavily. Fury—_or fear?_—caused his body to shiver. He stood before his podium.

"I would like to say…. This has been an _interesting_ masque this year…. Anyway, this year's winner for best costume is……… Miss Claudia!"

Zack's date fainted.

* * *

"_You_…."

"………………… Kinda need a verb."

"……… You… You _tricked_ me!"

"Would you have preferred getting caught? That's what would'ave happened."

The gentleman stomped off too irate to deal with the _girl_.

The child smiled. _Not that the president's any better._ She turned up the alleyway and started for home.

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 


	24. Episode 23

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: "There is a curse. They say: may you live in interesting times." (Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times) _No, this is not a crossover, or related to Pratchett's novel in any way besides the title. _

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 23: Living in Interesting Times _**

_Sweet normality. _Sephiroth glanced over the documents on his desks. _Paperwork. Glorious paperwork! _

The door swung open. _Damn it._ Heidegger's round, hairy form marched in. _Why me?_ "Sephiroth, I have a job for you." _Kill me now._ "Gya ha ha." _Scratch that. Remember to kill Heidegger. _

The SOLDIER listened _intently_ to his orders. Otherwise known as sleeping with one's eyes open. The occasional sound of laughter would shake Sephiroth's emerald eyes into focus.

At the end of the man's rambling, RSL entered. In his hands he clutched a tea tray. He placed the silver dish onto the mahogany desk. Heidegger, laughing as he went, exited; RSL poured the tea.

"So… What am I suppose to do?"

* * *

Jessie typed away on her computer. She could feel a yawn escape her mouth. This was nice. No Shinra bureaucrats bothering her. The buzz of electronics overhead calmed her nerves.

"This is nice," she whispered to the air.

"What is?"

Jessie leapt from her seat, knocking her desk up as she did so. Her computer followed her motions. It landed on the floor, splattering plastic and metal. The secretary's amber eyes widened. Her face became blank.

"… Uh…. Sorry." Reno rubbed the back of his head. Normally, Jessie would have pulled a gun out of nowhere and begun shooting by now. But, she had not moved.

"… I think… I'm going to cry."

* * *

Sephiroth entered the training barracks. He could see a ring of teenagers down the hall. He glided over, privates moving and falling to get out of his way. At the center of the pile he found a very peculiar sight.

A chocobo seemed to be strangling a porcupine.

Sephiroth coughed loudly. The chocobo turned its head to reveal a human face. Blue eyes filled with rage quickly dissolved to fear. _Do I know him?_ The blond slid off of the porcupine to reveal Zack. Red marks on his neck indicated that the brunet had been strangled.

Zack began to stand up, brushing off his SOLDIER uniform. "Heh, heh… Hi, Seph."

"Do I _want_ to know what's going on?"

The blond opened his mouth timidly. "… He started it…"

* * *

_I hate accounting. _Jessie stood in the line with a cardboard box. Inside, her broken computer rested. _'Sorry we can't fix it.' Stupid nerds… _

"Next!" The woman yelled. Her red-haired bob bounced as she talked. "How can I help you, Miss?"

Jessie lifted the box and placed it on the ledge near the woman. "I need a new computer."

The woman scanned her computer screen. "Do you have proof?"

Through gritted teeth, Jessie growled, "I have a broken computer in a box. What more do you need!"

The woman handed a blue sheet of paper. "This is a C-462 Computer Request Form. Fill this out and then wait in line." Jessie grabbed the blue form and stomped off. _She can deal with the box… _

* * *

Reno leaned on the couch. A bottle of vodka comforted him. He looked at the file on the coffee table. "… Rude? Could you take that for me?"

Rude pulled his shades down his nose and glared at his partner. "… No."

"Bastard."

* * *

Sephiroth placed a hand on his forehead and shook in dismay. "This is horrible." Zack leaned on his Buster Sword. Several of the army runts had been beaten to a pulp. By their teammates no less.

Runt Strife was smaller than all of the other army recruits. He had been beaten up several times already, and blood stained his clothes. Yet, he was the most _stubborn_ and would keep getting up.

"… That chocobo-head's really somethin', huh, Seph?" Zack's eyes were closed.

Sephiroth tilted his head. The chocobo managed to land a kick on another student. Sadly, that student saw it coming and flipped Strife over using the blond's leg as leverage. "That _had_ to hurt…… He reminds me of you."

Zack yawned. "Why's that?"

Sephiroth tilted his head to the other side. The blond was failing miserably at this exercise. _Because you were as much of a screw-up as he is. _"… Maybe it's the hair?"

Zack waved a hand through his hair. "Maybe…"

Sephiroth tearing his eyes from the massacred field, he gazed at his lazy companion, "So…………………………………………… How much hair gel _do_ you use?"

"How much _shampoo_ do you use?"

* * *

Jessie typed away at her computer. RSL leaned over her shoulder. "Virus upload?" The SOLDIER's eyebrows rose.

"It's for those bureaucratic buggers."

Jessie grabbed a television remote from the corner of her desk, and turned on the screen. She flipped through a few stations, but stopped when she reached the accounting department.

The copy machine was launching staples and paper at the people. They were screaming and trying to leave, but none of the keycards were working in the door.

"… You should feel bad."

"_Should_. Don't."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

Bunny points to Thunderstorm101, Akiraine of Gia, Stars of Shadow, Jennivah, Selunchen123, and KD Zeal for reviewing.


	25. Episode 24

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: I'm on Spring Break (the only time off I get all semester TT) and Kingdom Hearts II came out today. Please forgive me for being sporadic about updating this week.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 24: Java_**

Jessie took the cup RSL presented her. The little, white mug was filled with a black ooze. The secretary sniffed the beverage, and pressed it to her lips. As she drank, her face distorted into a grimace. "…. Is this instant?"

RSL's leg made circles in the carpet. "Didn't you hear?"

Jessie placed the _disgusting_ drink onto her desk. Her eyes became tiny slits. "Hear what?"

RSL watched his leg move. "… Um, new policy… Only instant coffee."

Jessie tapped her fingers on the desk. "And the sugar 'n' cream are…?"

"… Lard's the only thing allowed."

_Palmer._

* * *

Reno tried to sneak into the office. He used his entire Turk prowess to move without noise. He clutched the file to his chest.

He tripped onto Jessie. Jessie, now pinned by Reno's awkward form, grunted. "Would you get off!" The brunette pushed the redhead off of her, until Reno was kneeling in front of her. _She's gonna kill me._

Between the pair, Jessie's calculator, pens, and rulers covered a weird diagram. "Uh… Sorry…" Reno presented the folder to the secretary. _She's gonna _#$&'n'_ kill me…_

Rather than glare or yell, the young lady took the folder and placed it behind her. "Thanks," she mumbled. Her amber eyes returned to the chart.

Reno's eyes became wide. His mouth dropped. _She's not…? What the—?_

"Did you need something else, Mr. Reno?"

Picking himself up quickly he dashed for the door. "Uh, nope. I'm good."

* * *

"That is _not_ tea." Sephiroth stated it simply. _All of those blows to the head…_

"I know." _…must have damaged RSL's brain._

Sephiroth stared into the muck that replaced his morning tea. _Disgusting._

The door to his office swung open harshly. His secretary came in dragging wood. Wood that was the same color as her desk. _Oh no. _"Borrowing your office, Sir. Ignore me."

"Is there a reason why you are destroying my office?"

Jessie pointed a finger at the cup in her boss's hand. "Palmer's gonna pay for that #$&."

Sephiroth stood up and folded his arms. He tilted his head as Jessie pinned a blue print to his wall. "… Need any help?"

* * *

Reeve entered the empty lobby. The oak desk and the television had disappeared. Jessie's computer sat on the floor. "O…kay?" His hair was singed in a few places, bouncing oddly as he moved to the door across from him.

He turned the handle, and opened the door slowly. Inside he found a trio of occupants. Or rather a pair. RSL was outside the window moving bags. _'Coffee beans'?_

Jessie sat at the opposite end of a strange contraption. It was wood, shaped like a spoon, with various wires and springs attached. She waved a hand at the executive. "Hey, what's up? Like my catapult." _She _has_ a catapult. With coffee. In _Sephiroth's _office!_

Sephiroth sat in a large, red, leather chair. His mahogany desk was missing. He ignored the intrusion and continued to cycle through the Shinra Company security system. He would switch channels faster than Reeve could see what was on.

"… What the…?"

* * *

Palmer bounced about his office. "Lard, lard, lard, lard, LARD!" He sang off-key.

He heard a tapping noise behind him. He faced the large window as a flood of coffee beans broke through the glass. More rounds of coffee projectiles followed suit.

The head of the Shinra Space Program found himself buried under a pile of java. Sadly, all of his jiggling could not free him.

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

Bunny points to Selunchen123, Stars of Shadow, The Ringbearer Galadriel, Shenai of Silvara, Thunderstorm101, SilverKitsune013, Akiraine of Gia, and KD Zeal for reviewing.


	26. Episode 25

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: Minor _Before Crisis_ (Episode 5) spoilers/ references.

_I've managed to tear myself away from Kingdom Hearts II. _

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 25: Bad news_**

Jessie read the file's contents again. "This makes no sense," she mumbled. _Not that it matters what _I_ think._ "Stupid Reno… Stupid, worthless Turks…" She shook her head in dismay.

She pushed open the door to Sephiroth's office. "Sir? We've got _major_ problems."

Sephiroth seemed more annoyed at the intrusion. His new glass table seemed out of place with the wood bookshelf behind him. Jessie walked slowly forward, hugging the report tightly.

Pausing before her boss's desk, she presented the Turk's report. Sephiroth reached out his gloved hand a clasped the manila folder. Jessie watched as he scanned the papers, his eyes becoming wide the more he read.

The piercing green eyes looked up into amber. _Pleading, again? _"… The security device would protect the data, right?"

Jessie dug her fingernails into her palm to prevent herself from rolling her eyes. "Sadly, any moron with some tape and a little powder can break a finger-scan lock."

Sephiroth pushed himself back into his chair and sighed. "So, those terrorists have classified SOLDIER data?"

Jessie stared out the window. "'Fraid so…" _Stupid Prof. Raleigh._ "I'm going to Kalm. Later." The secretary waved as she left. She could hear Sephiroth groan as the door slammed.

* * *

The chocobo-head was more pathetic than the SOLDIER recalled. The boy kept shaking. Sephiroth made sure Masamune was out of sight. _Last thing I need is for this kid to freak over Masamune._ Lots of people were scared of the blade. Considering it was longer than Sephiroth was tall, that was understandable.

Zack leaned against a wall. _Does he _ever_ worry?_ RSL busied himself serving tea.

"I-I-I'm re-_really_ sorry, Mis-Mister Sephi-roth." The army recruit had been like this for forty-five minutes. _We're not getting anywhere._

Zack raised himself from his daze and moved behind the young teen. He slapped the boy on the back, causing the pathetic chocobo-head to land on the carpet face first. "Kid, if you want to be in SOLDIER, you need more confidence!"

Squatting on the floor, Strife stared up at the porcupine head. "… Jerk..."

Sephiroth kneeled down in front of the teenager. The boy immediately dropped his gaze to the floor. "What did Zack just say about confidence?" Strife did not respond, so Sephiroth took the boy's chin and lifted it until he could see into those sapphire eyes. "Now, what happened?"

* * *

Jessie gave the chocobo a dirty look. _You again! _"… Isn't there something _else_ I could use?"_ That chocobo's evil._

The middle-aged Shinra employee rubbed his chin. "The only thing left is a Hardy-Daytona, but it—"

"—I'll take it!" Jessie leapt in the direction the mechanic had indicated with his head. She was tearing through Midgar before he realized she had spoken.

"—is a rough ride…?"

* * *

Zack listened as his friend relayed the details of the attack against Professor Raleigh. "'Death magic,' 'Raven squad,' 'SOLDIER data'! Man. I can't take this!"

Sephiroth glared at him, but Zack was use to that look. Zack knew Sephiroth thought he was an idiot. _But it's not like _he _has any idea what we gotta do._

* * *

It had taken all day, but Jessie finally returned to the office. She clutched a collection of notebooks. She kicked the door to Sephiroth's office open. The door broke from its hinges and hit a chocobo in the head.

The chocobo amazingly had a grasp of 'human talk.' And by that, one should specify cussing like a sailor. "MUTHA-#$&! THAT &(# HURT!" The chocobo continued on for several minutes.

"… I imagine you taught him that, Zack." Sephiroth was sitting on the floor, his back pressed against a wall.

Zack rubbed the back of his head. "I don't know what you mean."

Jessie dropped the pile of notebooks onto the desk. "Here's a hardcopy of File S-046X. Enjoy." Both SOLDIERs exchanged a confused look.

Jessie sighed. "It's what was on the disk that was stolen… It has official stats on you guys, along with common tactics, usual equipment, your limit breaks…."

Zack and RSL had become very pale. The secretary imagined her boss would do the same if he was not so pale.

Zack spoke up first. "So… What's it say?" _Big enough ego?_

Jessie pulled the bottom notebook out. "'Zack—SOLDIER Class First' blah, blah, blah… 'uses Buster Sword' yada-yada-yada… Not very interesting." She tossed the book to the brunet SOLDIER.

"… What about mine?" RSL seemed worried.

"Let's see……………….. 'Random Shinra Lackey (a.k.a. RSL)—SOLDIER Class Third… Dumbass'."_ Weird entry. _

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

Bunny points to The Ringbearer Galadriel, Akiraine of Gia, SilverKitsune013, Selunchen123, Stars of Shadow, and Thunderstorm101 for reviewing.


	27. Episode 26

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: _I have 100 reviews! I should do a "happy dance" or something…_

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 26: Aggressive tendencies_**

Sephiroth wiped the sweat off of his face. _Zack might actually be improving._ Zack was showing off his latest limit. _Omni-something._ The silver-haired SOLDIER was more than capable of fending off the attack. Defending against it for an hour was another matter.

Luckily, the brunet was about to collapse from exhaustion. Sephiroth lifted Masamune and began to slash at his opponent. Zack held his Buster Sword like a shield, using the wide side to block Sephiroth's assault.

_We need to get stronger, or…

* * *

_

Jessie flipped through a magazine. _Since when has Hojo had a waiting room anyway?_ She looked at the yellow walls. They were supposed to be calming, but Jessie felt nauseous whenever she looked at them. 

The receptionist, called Jessie's name without looking up. There was no one about, so the brunette shrugged as she entered the professor's office. Hojo had three or four lab assistances standing around. _All females… How the _hell_ does that _freak_ do that! _

The sadistic man of Shinra's bioengineering wing had his back to the door Jessie entered through. She slowly dragged herself towards the man, disgust rising with every step. When Hojo made no move to turn around, Jessie tapped the back of his shoulder. "Sir, you wanted to see me?"

Hojo still did not turn to face her. He tilted his head, and tapped the glass of some specimen. Jessie stood a few paces behind him as he did so.

And stood.

And stood…

… And stood some more…

"Damnit! What the hell did you want!"

Hojo, turned around slowly, his face a smirk of sorts. _Sadistic bastard._ "I wanted to see an average female human's response to being ignored."

Her amber eyes became very narrow. Her brow became knotted. Then, the look dissolved into bright eyes and a large smile. A smile that was too big for her face.

Hojo backed away from the girl only to be stopped by the specimen's tube. Jessie began to tap her finger on her cheek. _Now, what would be fun…?_

The specimen behind Hojo narrowed its eyes at the professor. "Hhhhmmmm." Jessie reached inside her blazer and pulled her quicksilver out. She then shot the glass. She left the screaming professor and assistants to their fate.

Then, the glass finally broke.

* * *

Sephiroth dropped himself into his chair. _This has been a long day. _His eyes noticed something shiny on his desk. He forced his green eyes to focus on it. _A disk? _Sephiroth took the CD gingerly into his hand and turned it over. Someone had written, "What I did today." _Odd._

The television was still in his office. The silver-haired man shrugged and put the disk into the player. The screen was blank for a few seconds. Then, he saw Hojo's lab. He could make out a brunette leaving the room.

A specimen leapt through a broken tube. It looked like a cross between a dog and a hedgehog. It went after Hojo first, biting his leg. Sephiroth thought he could make out a "crack" noise.

"Jessie… I could kiss you for this!" His emerald eyes danced gleefully as his mouth laughed wholeheartedly.

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

Bunny points to SilverKitsune013, MyraHellsing, Thunderstorm101, Echobrain, Selunchen123, and scarlettHuntress for reviewing.


	28. Episode 27

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

_Dance Dance Revolution _(or _Dancing Stage _if you're in Europe) a.k.a. "DDR" is owned by Konami. Please don't sue.

Notes: Yeah, I know it's short. I'm suffering from a sugar low.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 27: Pastimes_**

It was strange watching her move. Left, left, right, right, forward, back… _This is how she spends her days off!_ Sephiroth stared in disbelief at his secretary. Jessie had not noticed the silver-haired man watching her dance. She was too busy trying to get the top score.

RSL snickered beside him. "You'd think she'd play shooters or something violent. Nope! She plays DDR." RSL clutched his stomach hoping his sides would not collapse from laughter.

Sephiroth stared in disbelief at the pyromaniac. He expected to see her at a shooting range or in a basement making bombs. Seeing her in an arcade playing a _childish _game was too surreal.

* * *

Reno and Rude were in a drinking game. Again. This time they would simultaneously take a shot of tequila and the first person to pass out would lose.

_How did I get myself dragged into this? _Tseng let out a groan. He had checked his contract several times and no where did it say "must babysit alcoholic Turks." So why did he keep getting stuck with these two?

* * *

Rufus stroked his new pet's side. "That's a good wittle Dark Nation… You're such a good boy…" The cat-like beast purred at its owner.

The vice-president pulled a photo from his coffee table. He waved the image in front of his pet's face. The blond commented on what Dark Nation should do to the person shown.

The beast took the image from its master and shred it quickly with its razor-sharp teeth.

Rufus giggled at the sight of his 'old man' in a thousand paper pieces.

* * *

Cloud scrubbed the floors of the barracks. He always got stuck cleaning up the place. He would do something stupid every week, so he was forced to do manual labor every weekend as punishment.

"Ugh!" _These floors _don't _come clean!_

He could hear something "thumping" behind him. Cloud tilted his head slightly to see who it was. _Aw… #$_

Zack waved a hand at the army runt. "Hey, Cloud wanna go out?"

"The last time I went with you, I ended up in a _dress_!"

The brunet shrugged his shoulders. "Aerith's busy, and I wanna go to a club or some'in'."

The blond shifted his eyes back to the floor. "… I'm busy. Go bug someone else." He returned to making circles with his sponge ignoring the grunts of the SOLDIER behind him.

* * *

_The following business day._

"So… Jessie…"

The secretary continued shifting through paperwork. "…. There something you need, Sir?"

"Uh… Just wondering what you did this weekend." _This is _not_ going to work._

She raised her amber eyes and narrowed them at her boss. "I went for coffee. Played some _Dance Dance Revolution_………… Why?"

Sephiroth scratched the back of his hand. He was nervous. "… Doesn't seem like a game you'd like…"

Jessie stood from her desk. She pushed a chunk of hair out of her face. "More violent games bore me… I'd rather just kill people." She flashed her boss an evil grin. "Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

Bunny points to Stars of Shadow, MyraHellsing, Thunderstorm101, SilverKitsune013, wildcat6, Akiraine of Gia, Selunchen123, and scarlettHuntress (ep. 26) and Kd Zeal (ep. 25) for reviewing.


	29. Episode 28

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes:_ Sorry I didn't update yesterday. I got distracted by KH again… This may very well be the shortest chapter I've done._

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 28: Memories of Wutai_**

_/Flashback/_

Bombs rang out overhead. Zack paced back and forth within his makeshift hut. "These Wutains and their damn—what are they called—fireworks?" He continued to grumble as the silver-haired SOLDIER absently listened.

A grumbling man entered the tent. "Mother&'n' &#s." Sephiroth ignored the blond pilot. _He needs a larger vocabulary._

Sephiroth leaned back onto his cot. Shinra had been fighting this war for what seemed both a few hours and an eternity. Time had stopped having meaning.

_/End/__

* * *

_

_/Flashback/_

"But I don' wan yoo to go!" The child cried. The tiny girl clung onto the man's leg. Her chocolate hair brushed against his leg.

"Sweetie, you know your father has to go."

_/End/_

* * *

_/Flashback/_

Sephiroth stared out of the huge window. "So… _This_ is an airship." He could see all of the terrain clearly from this vantage point. The island was… _pretty_ from up here. Away from the explosions and gunshots, this was nice.

"Course it's a &$'n' airship!" Cid yelled. He took a puff of his cigarette.

"Umm… Guys?" Zack mumbled to no one in particular.

"Where the $& did you &#'n' think you were, #-head!"

"Umm, guys!"

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes at the pilot. "I don't like your attitude."

"Yeah, well I don't &#'n' like you, Pretty Boy."

"GUYS!"

"What the &# is it!"

Zack pointed out the dome-like window. In front of them was a very large Wutain statue. _Da Chao?_ The statue seemed to be getting closer very quickly.

"&#."

_/End/_

* * *

Zack held the photo tenderly in his hands. It was Seph and himself seated at the base of a series of statues the Wutains had built. Behind them, one could make out the wreckage of their airship. _How _did _we survive that one?_

* * *

"Jessie, you're acting very childish." Sephiroth wiggled his leg hoping that his secretary would let go. It had not worked the first fifty or so times, so why did he think it would this time? 

"I don't wanna go! You can't make me!" Jessie squeezed his leg to the breaking point.

Sephiroth shook his head and sighed. "… If you keep hugging my leg, how are you _not_ going to go?"

Jessie turned her amber eyes up to her boss.

"You mean I don't have to go?" Her grip loosened enough that he could free his limb.

"… No. You still have to go."

"……………………………………………… I hate you so much right now."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

Bunny points to SilverKitsune013, scarlettHuntress, Stars of Shadow, Selunchen123, wildcat6, and Akiraine of Gia for reviewing.


	30. Episode 29

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: "Ratsifatchit" is not a real word. It's just what I always mumble when I'm mad.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 29: Business travel_**

Jessie dragged her suitcase to the train station. Under her breath, one could make out grumbling and growls. "Stupid Shinra. Ratsifratchit. Stupid Seph…" Her luggage bounced and rolled along the Midgar street as she walked.

Ahead of her, she could make out a SOLDIER duo. Zack was laughing (_probably at some dumb joke of his_) while Sephiroth sat on the steps of the Shinra building looking bored.

When Zack could see the little secretary, he waved his hand and yelled, "Hey! What's up?" The brunette merely growled.

Jessie narrowed her eyes. In a low voice, she snarled, "When are we going?"

Sephiroth shook his head in frustration, "Since you're now here, we can go whenever."

The secretary's eyes became slits as she bared her teeth and growled.

* * *

"WHO GAVE YOU A LICENESE!" Sephiroth bounced about the car. Zack was going out of his way to hit every boulder on the way to Junon. _We're going to die before we get to Wutai._

The younger man turned to face his superior. "I don't know what you're talkin' 'bout… Besides, you don't have one."

"True… But I'd rather not die."

Sephiroth turned to look behind him. Jessie was sound asleep in the backseat. _Zack was right about the tranquilizers._ Her body was limp looking so peaceful… Except for the trail of drool.

* * *

RSL walked into Sephiroth's office. "I'm a third class SOLDIER… Why do I hav'ta be a maid?" He whined. He began to dust the bookshelf. He heard a knock from behind.

The SOLDIER turned his eyes to the door. It swung open and RSL's eyes grew wide. _Oh… &$#..._

Scarlet swayed her hips as she entered the room. "I was thinking we could have a little time alone now that Seph's out of the way…" RSL looked around the room. His eyes avoided the woman's bright red dress.

Then, he noticed the window. Before Scarlet was halfway across the room, RSL was outside the Shinra building enjoying the breeze as he fell several stories.

* * *

The higher-ups in Shinra had to be morons. _Who'd only have airships in Junon! _Zack groaned as he parked the automobile at the Junon Shinra base. He got out faster than anyone. Sephiroth leisurely got out as Zack opened the trunk.

The SOLDIER began to lift the luggage out of the trunk. Finishing, he slammed the trunk with a harsh "thunk." Then, he noticed that someone was missing. He walked around as Sephiroth distracted himself with cleaning Masamune.

He opened the door to the backseat, but Jessie did not respond. He called her name, but she did not wake up. He began to poke at her.

Zack found himself looking down the barrel of a gun. Jessie's arm was the only thing that had moved. The rest of her still looked rather dead. The brunette mumbled, "I don' wanna go ta school mommy."

Zack blinked a couple of times. His mouth felt dry. His eyes followed as Jessie's arm returned the gun to the confines of her jacket.

"This is certainly going to be an interesting trip." The brunet could feel Sephiroth's smirk behind him.

"How 'bout you carry her, Seph?" Zack then went to get his bags leaving a very pale SOLDIER to deal with getting the _little psycho _into the Junon base.

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

Oh… About Jessie and the gun. When one's asleep, one may have a bodily reaction to anything disturbing sleep. In her case, it's using a gun… Think about torturing one of your friends when they're asleep. Some can carry on a conversation with you even though they're not awake. ("Wow, you said some funny (& last night." "WTF are you talking about!")

Bunny points to Kd Zeal, wildcat6, SilverKitsune013, Akiraine of Gia, Selunchen123, and scarlettHuntress for reviewing.


	31. Episode 30

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: "Yo ho ho and a Bottle of Rum" is a popular song from a 1901 Broadway musical. The full lyrics are at the bottom.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 30: Orders _**

Sephiroth carried his tiny secretary on his shoulders. _How can someone so _small_ weigh so _muchOccasionally, Jessie would sigh against his shoulder, but most of the time he was stuck wondering whether or not to burn his _precious_ leather jacket.

He did not like people touching him. But now, he had the distinct feeling that the brunette was leaving a saliva mess on it. _How nice. _

Zack meanwhile was bouncing around the halls… And singing… Badly… _I wonder how much sugar he eats…_

* * *

Tseng looked out his window. It looked like it might rain that afternoon. Meanwhile, the newest Turk assignment sat on his desk. _I hate the Western Continent… Couldn't we send another department? It's just a few monsters. _

He looked out the window, trying to think who would be close enough to get the assignment _dumped_ on them. Then, he saw something—someone—flying past the window. "What the $&!" After a few minutes, realization dawned.

_Sephiroth should be in Junon now… _

* * *

_"Du-di-di-du-du." _Zack watched as a semiconscious Jessie dug for her cell phone. _Tranq's must be wearing off. _

"Hello, Jessie speaking. How may I help you?" She made a few affirmative noises before hanging up. "… Change of plans."

Sephiroth gently placed the sleepy secretary onto the ground. "What kind of change?"

Jessie covered her mouth as she yawned. "We have to take the boat to Costal del Sol… Then we—" Another yawn escaped as she rubbed her eyes. "—have to go to Corel."

Zack leaned against the wall. "… I don't think the boat's goin' to be leaving for a while."

* * *

RSL rubbed his head absently as he reentered the Shinra building. The receptionist perked up as he entered. "Oh! Mr. Lackey! Professor Hojo needs you up…"

RSL had turned his back to the woman and scratched his cheek absently. _How am I going to get out of this one? _

"… stairs? Is something wrong, Sir?"

RSL dragged himself towards the elevator. His head looked at the ground. _Maybe he'll forget about me and I can sneak off… _

* * *

The voyage across the ocean would be relatively painless. The pyromaniac had calmed down significantly after waking up. The sky was bright blue with a few puffy, white clouds. The boat rocked gently. _How disgustingly pleasant. _

The secretary looked around the ship for her companions. The _porcupine _was easy to find, and walked over to him.

Then, she heard someone singing, "Fifteen men on a dead man's chest. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum." She twisted her head to the sound.

And stared wide-eyed at her boss. He was singing a seafaring tune _loudly_. She turned to Zack who looked just as confused as she. "Umm… Did I miss something?"

The SOLDIER rubbed his head. "He was tired, so he…" The brunet mumbled the rest.

"Sorry didn't catch that." Jessie's tone was sharp as nails.

"He drank some 'Invisible Alpha'…"

"What an idiot."

"TEN FATHOMS DEEP ON THE ROAD TO HELL, YO HO HO… AND A _BOTTLE_ _OF RUM!_" The silver-haired SOLDIER was completely intoxicated.

Jessie stared at her normally emotionless boss. He was sitting on the ship's railing. "Hundred gil says he falls off the ship."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

_Wow… Lots of singing._

Bunny points to Selunchen123, Stars of Shadow, SilverKitsune013, wildcat6, scarlettHuntress, and Kd Zeal (ep. 29) and Thunderstorm101 (ep. 28) for reviewing.

* * *

**Yo ho ho and a Bottle of Rum **

Fifteen men on a dead man's chest  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum  
Drink and the devil had done for the rest  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.  
The mate was fixed by the bosun's pike  
The bosun brained with a marlinspike  
And cookey's throat was marked belike  
It had been gripped by fingers ten;  
And there they lay, all good dead men  
Like break o'day in a boozing ken  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Fifteen men of the whole ship's list  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!  
Dead and be damned and the rest gone whist!  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!  
The skipper lay with his nob in gore  
Where the scullion's axe his cheek had shore  
And the scullion he was stabbed times four  
And there they lay, and the soggy skies  
Dripped down in up-staring eyes  
In murk sunset and foul sunrise  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Fifteen men of 'em stiff and stark  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!  
Ten of the crew had the murder mark!  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!  
Twas a cutlass swipe or an ounce of lead  
Or a yawing hole in a battered head  
And the scuppers' glut with a rotting red  
And there they lay, aye, damn my eyes  
Looking up at paradise  
All souls bound just contrawise  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Fifteen men of 'em good and true'  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!  
Ev'ry man jack could ha' sailed with Old Pew,  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!  
There was chest on chest of Spanish gold  
With a ton of plate in the middle hold  
And the cabins riot of stuff untold,  
And they lay there that took the plum  
With sightless glare and their lips struck dumb  
While we shared all by the rule of thumb,  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!

More was seen through a sternlight screen  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum  
Chartings undoubt where a woman had been  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.  
'Twas a flimsy shift on a bunker cot  
With a dirk slit sheer through the bosom spot  
And the lace stiff dry in a purplish blot  
Oh was she wench or some shudderin' maid  
That dared the knife and took the blade  
By God! she had stuff for a plucky jade  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Fifteen men on a dead man's chest  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum  
Drink and the devil had done for the rest  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.  
We wrapped 'em all in a mains'l tight  
With twice ten turns of a hawser's bight  
And we heaved 'em over and out of sight,  
With a Yo-Heave-Ho! and a fare-you-well  
And a sudden plunge in the sullen swell  
Ten fathoms deep on the road to hell,  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!____


	32. Episode 31

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 31: Sand and Water_**

RSL watched as the grains of sand spilled through the hourglass. Hojo was still watching a specimen swim about its tank. The amount corresponded to forty-five minutes of the SOLDIER sitting and waiting for his torture.

_Hojo loves making everyone wait… Old bastard… _

* * *

Zack dropped Sephiroth's limp body onto the ship's deck. "Dump &#..." He began to strip the _ridiculously_ heavy leather jacket off of his friend. 

Jessie meanwhile came running over with blankets and towels. _When did she change into a nurse outfit? _He mumbled, "Maybe I don't wanna know…"

"Okay, now could you take his pants off?" Jessie asked. Her foot tapped impatiently.

Zack stared at her. "Hi-his pants?"

"Ye_ah_! Do you _want_ him getting hypothermia?"

Grumbling a "no," Zack began to remove the SOLDIER's leather pants. And proceded to laugh himself until it hurt. The silver-haired man was wearing a pair of boxers Zack recognized instantly.

"… Seph's infamous 'choco-boxers'? He _really_ wears those?" Jessie began wrapping her boss in the blankets.

"It was—hahahaha—a gag gift—ahahahaha." Zack knew he was snorting. He did not care.**

* * *

**

RSL began to run through the halls of Shinra Electrical Company. He could hear the lab assistants screaming in frustration. He pushed his legs to keep moving. _Damn Hojo…_ _Damn Scarlet… _

_/Flashback/_

"Ahh… Mr. Lackey, you've shown up!"

_I've been waiting for an hour, Ass._ "… What did you need, Professor?"

Hojo shook his head, as he tapped a metal circle. "Oh, _I _didn't need you… Your superior says you've been… insubordinate lately."

"Superior? SEPH… iroth?"

RSL watched as Hojo rolled his eyes. "_No. _Scarlet… The person who _runs _SOLDIER."

"Oh #&."

_/End/_

_There's no way I'm wearing a collar for that whore!_

* * *

The secretary leaned back in the lounge chair. She pushed her shades up her nose. "Hmm… It's kinda humid." 

She made out a wheezing noise nearby. She tilted her head to see Zack clutching his chest and collapsing into the sound.

"Tell me again, why we are not going on to Corel." Sephiroth gripped the back of the brunette's chair harshly.

"_Because_ you may die in the process."

"I'm fine."

Jessie pulled her sunglasses off and looked up at her boss. He was no longer a pasty white man; he was very, very red. "You forgot the sunscreen, huh?"

* * *

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes at the room. The three beds were all too small for him to stretch out in. Zack lounged out on the bed closest to the television and was flipping through the channels. 

"Where's the pyro?"

The brunet yawned. "Said she was taking a shower." He leaned over to the nightstand. "The _nurse _said to rub this on your body." A green bottle flew towards the silver-haired SOLDIER.

Sephiroth unscrewed the lid and sniffed. "You think it's got acid in it?"

Zack shrugged in response and returned to watching television.

Sephiroth settled himself onto a bed and began to rub the goop on to his sunburned body.

Later, Jessie came in rubbing her head with a towel. She had already changed into her pajamas as she walked into the hotel room. On her oversized shirt was a cartoonish picture of a tonberry.

Sephiroth stared at his tiny secretary. _And _she_ made fun of _me

"Before you say anything, Seph, I'll inform you that I have the butcher knife that came with my pjs."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

Oh, if you couldn't figure it out, the green gunk is aloe vera.

Bunny points to scarlettHuntress, Selunchen123, Akiraine of Gia, wildcat6, and Thunderstorm101 for reviewing.


	33. Episode 32

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

_Notes: You know, I could just stop writing if I don't start getting some new reviewers. You know who you are._

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 32: Iron roads_**

Following the SOLDIERs as quickly as she could, Jessie was at a brisk walk. The men in front of her were walking leisurely by comparison. _Stupid short legs…_ Then, she heard a weird noise behind her. She turned her head to look behind her. "Umm… Hello."

She could hear the men's combat boots stop in there tracks. "That's a _big_ chicken," Zack commented.

Jessie raised her gun, but the monster rushed her knocking her to the ground. The gun flew a few feet away. Her panic rose as she watched a pair of leather-clad legs walked past her. With a quick swing, the monster was slain by the silver-haired warrior. _He makes it look _so_ easy._

"Do you have to take all the cred' Seph?" Zack offered a hand to the tiny brunette. "Ya could've left some for me."

* * *

Rufus paced his office irritated. No news had arrived from Wutai. _What could be taking them so long? That stupid isle isn't that far._

His door burst open and a panicked SOLDIER barged in. "Help! Hide me!"

Rufus raised an eyebrow at the odd man. "And I would do that… Why?"

RSL curled himself into a ball and began to mumble and whimper. The vice-president shook his head in dismay. He grabbed the intruder by the hair and threw him out of his office.

"Now, where was I?"

Outside, one could hear RSL pleading and screaming.

* * *

Zack looked around the dustbowl of a town. The wood houses were very different to the metal city. "Reminds me of home," he said to no one in particular.

"Really? Reminds me of a pre-industrial hellhole." Jessie remarked. _If she was any more negative, she'd be Seph._

"Oh… Where's your hometowns?" Sephiroth asked childishly.

"Gongaga… It's actually pretty close to here."

Sephiroth looked around the town as the trio walked down the street. "Well, it seems the monster reports were exaggerated, so maybe we could make a detour… Jessie, how about you?"

Jessie stopped in her tracks. She looked forward, but her amber eyes did not focus on anything. "… Midgar, I suppose." Zack exchanged a confused look with his emerald-eyed partner. "… That's where I lived before… my parents—"

A roar erupted through the town. Zack watched as Sephiroth and Jessie turned to face him. "… There's a _really_ big freak behind me, isn't there?"

Jessie, her mouth open and eyes bulging, nodded. _Figures._

* * *

"Okay. Bullets don't work; it absorbs fire; and we're all going to die!" The dragon-like creature bit at the brunette again. "Bastard, can't you pick on someone else!"

Zack and Sephiroth, relatively unharmed, were both getting Jessie's blood and sweat on them. Sephiroth shook his head and launched an ice3 at the beast. "… You really should diversify, Jessie." _Smug bastard much?_

Jessie turned her gaze to her boss. "We've been attacked twenty-three times in a row! $# you, Sir."

Sephiroth did not look angry at her outburst. He just stared stunned. _No one's ever told him off I guess._

Another monster attacked from the secretary's left.

"_Du-di-di-du-du."_ The brunette instinctively grabbed her phone, ignoring the oversized wolf. "Hello? … Um, yeah he's here… Oh, okay. I'll tell him."

"JESSIE WHAT THE !&$# IS WRONG WITH YOU!" Zack screamed. "You _do_ know there is a really big monster right next to you."

"I'm not blind… Anyway, Zack you've been dispatched to Icicle Inn."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

Bunny points to SilverKitsune013, wildcat6, scarlettHuntress, Selunchen123, Thunderstorm101, and Kd Zeal for reviewing.


	34. Episode 33

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

_Notes: You know, I could just stop writing if I don't start getting some new reviewers. You know who you are._

_Oh, and I like calling it "Icicle Inn" rather than "Icicle Lodge."_

Before Crisis (Episode 7)—Essai and Sebastian are both SOLDIERs stationed in Icicle Inn.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 33: Dust and Ice._**

Sephiroth watched as the young lady pulled her cell phone out of her pocket. She mumbled into, oblivious to the danger around her.

When she finished speaking, Zack screamed, "JESSIE WHAT THE !&$# IS WRONG WITH YOU! You _do_ know there is a really big monster right next to you." Sephiroth resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the porcupine-head. _Sanity is _not_ one of Jessie's virtues._

"I'm not blind… Anyway, Zack you've been dispatched to Icicle Inn." _Great. More monsters for me._

"Icicle Inn! What for?"

"Somethin' 'bout—" The wolf-like creature swung a claw at the secretary. "mothur#&$ can't you see I'm busy!—Essai and Sebastion going missing."

Sephiroth knitted his brow. _What's going on? First, those files and now…?_ "Well, Zack, you'd best get going."

"How would I do that?"

"_Moron_… Shinra Inc. is sending a 'copter." Sephiroth could feel the girl stick her tongue out of her mouth.

* * *

RSL scratched at his collar. _Stupid bitch…_ "How to get this off…?" RSL glanced out Sephiroth's window. _All I wanted to do was clean this place… Well, not so much clean it as…_ The third reactor blocked what would have been an interesting view of the plate.

"Jessie said mako was dangerous… Wonder why?" _Too bad I can't melt out of this thing. _"It itches _so_ much!" _Wait… I could cremate myself…_

* * *

"This can't end well." Jessie plopped onto the dirt road. "You take care of the rest, Sephy-kins… I quit."

Her silver-haired boss groaned. "Could you at least get out of my way? I would rather not trip over you." _Pompous ass._

"Fine, I'll _move_." Jessie pulled her body upwards slowly, swinging her blood-stained arms. She walked to the nearest house, and knocked… And by "knocking," one means that the tiny girl kicked the door in. "Hello? Anybody home?"

A group of people shook where they stood. Two men (one tall and lankly, the other dark-skinned and bulky) and two women—_their wives?_—stared at the intruder with wide-eyes.

On a nearby table, Jessie noticed a small radio its parts in disrepair. Rather than deal with the_ humans_, the brunette picked up the broken electronic. Out of a pocket in her shorts, she pulled out a small set of tools and began to repair the device.

The group that had been interrupted watched her with a mix of confusion and admiration as her small hands worked away.

* * *

The silver-hair SOLDIER slashed through monster after monster, leaving a trail of blood and gore along the road. Eventually, the pace began to slow until no more arrived. _Why would they keep attacking me? They're not _that_ stupid._

He reached a gloved hand down to one of the beasts. It had foam at the mouth. "JESSIE! Get out here!"

The brunette bounced out of a home. "See you later, Barret, Dyne…" She waved to the inside, as she climbed over the remains of a wooden door. "What's up, Sir?"

"Look at this." The secretary examined the creature. "Have you seen anything like this?"

She shook her head. "No… But I've heard of something similar… Mako poising in beasts… It makes them act rabid…"

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. _No, seriously review._

Bunny points to wildcat6, SilverKitsune013, scarlettHuntress, Selunchen123, Akiraine of Gia, and Thunderstorm101 for reviewing.


	35. Episode 34

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

_Notes: You know, I could just stop writing if I don't start getting some new reviewers. You know who you are._

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 34: Turning around_**

"Can you explain to me why we're walking _back _through these stupid mountains?" The brunette would trip and fall on every rock, stick, and furry animal within the Coral Mountains.

Sephiroth rolled his emerald eyes at Jessie's back. "_Because_, we are looking for the mako that affected all of those monsters."

The secretary turned her amber eyes behind her to glare at her boss. "You _do _know the nearest reactor is in Nibelheim, right?" She turned around and placed her hands on her hips. _What a child…_

"Okay, Corel is a coal mining town, correct?"

"Yes, so?"

_The pyromaniac does not know?_ "… Ever hear of rock blasting?"

The secretary placed a finger on her chin. "… So, you think they accidentally blew a hole into an underground mako chamber?" She turned around and began walking down the railroad tracks once more.

"… Ahh!" The brunette fell down once more. A very annoyed brown rabbit crawled out from under her legs. "Stupid bunny." It seemed to give her a dirty look before hopping away.

* * *

"MUTHA#$&! THAT #$& HURTS!" RSL, wiggling in severe pain, dropped to the floor and rolled back and forth. Plan A had failed miserably.

After he regained some composure, the SOLDIER began to plot a new method of getting—_damn piece of &$#_—collar off. He left Sephiroth's office in favor of the lobby area. He walked around Jessie's desk and began pulling open the drawers.

"… This is a lot cleaner than I would have guessed." Every pencil, pen, and piece of paper was organized in an almost obsessive fashion. "… Is that… a stuffed tonberry?"

RSL lifted the green toy out of the bottom drawer. It was pretty beat-up with burn marks on the feet. "Why would she have this ratty thing?"

* * *

Jessie pulled her Quicksilver from her ripped jacket. She could hear her boss unsheathe Masamune. "Why do these things always hate me?" The chocobo pecked towards her. "Go away, shew!"

Sephiroth waved his sword at the bird and it made a quick retreat. "You just need to know how to talk to them. _That would explain the underwear._

The secretary tripped over another rock and her gun flew out of her hand. She saw it fall over a nearby edge. "MY BABY!" She pulled herself from the ground rapidly and ran to the edge. A sea of blue-green met her eyes.

Sephiroth stood beside her, gazing at the glowing mako lake. "… You should call the Company… Tell them a location for a new reactor is in the Corel Mountains."

Whimpering, Jessie took her cell phone out and began dialing. Tears dripped down her face as she waited for someone to answer.

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. _No, seriously review._

Bunny points to wildcat6, Vincent Di, scarlettHuntress, Selunchen123, Omni-Master, and SilverKitsune013 for reviewing.


	36. Episode 35

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

_Notes: You know, I could just stop writing if I don't start getting some new reviewers. You know who you are._

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 35: Land of the Setting Sun_**

"It's definitely… Different." Jessie turned her head back and forth. The pagodas rose up all over the city. The setting sun made everything golden. It looked _nothing _like Midgar. _I don't know if I like it or not…_

Her boss rubbed his temples. "That was a _horrid_ airship ride."

"Yeah… That Highwind guy was kind of a jerk, huh? Although, what's this about crashing an airship?"

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"

"Yeah, whatever… So, where's this Godo guy?" She followed Sephiroth as he crossed a bridge, but stopped when she noticed a weapon shop. "Hey, Seph! Can we stop here?"

He shrugged his shoulder plates. "We're about a month late anyway. What are a few minutes more?" The pair entered the store and began examining the merchandise.

* * *

RSL swirled the acid about the glass beaker. "Are you _sure_ this will work?" 

Reno bobbed his head up and down. "Rude said it was very powerful stuff."

"Rude talks?"

* * *

_/Flashback/_

The little girl helped her mother set the table. "I fixed the computer, Mommie."

"Thank you, Sweetie." She rubbed her child's hair. "Now, Jessica, you know you need to be good tonight, okay?"

Jessica nodded her head. "I know, Mommie! I will be!"

The child heard the door open. She bounded into the living room and hugged her father. Behind him a tall man with graying hair stood. _So this is Daddie's boss. _"Did you have a nice day at work, Daddie."

"It was nice." Her father bent down to look eye-to-eye with his child. "What did you do today, Jessica?"

"Oh, I fixed the computer…. I just had to replace the processor."

The man standing behind her father tilted his head. "_You _fixed a processor?"

Jessica tried her hardest not to growl at the man. "I fix everything… The doctors said I was a pra-prod..."

"'Prodigy'." Her father finished. "Intuitive skills with electronics and mechanics."

The grey-haired man knitted his brow. "That so… How old are you, Jessica?"

"Six, Sir."

"And she's polite too." The older gentleman rubbed his chin. "… Going to Shinra Academy?"

"Good heavens no!" Jessica was picked up by her mother. "Jessica wants to become a vet."

"Yep-yep!"

_/End/_

* * *

Sephiroth darted around at the other customers. Most were giving him a really dirty look. 

Jessie, meanwhile, was crying like the child she was. "Yo-you're so me-_mean_ to me! I want my Mommy!" Tears streamed down her face. Her fetal position made her look even smaller.

He could hear whispers of "What a jerk."

"FINE! I'll buy you the stupid gun!"

Jessie bounced up from the ground, a smile plastered on her face. The tears had mysteriously vanished. "Thank you _so _much, Sephy-kins!" She swung her arms around the silver-haired man. "And it's not a 'stupid gun.' It's a 'shortbarrel'."

"… Please don't hug me." He dug into his wallet. "…Won't your parents pay for your gun fetish?" He handed the gil over to the salesclerk.

As she looked down her new weapon's barrel, his secretary said, "My parents are dead."

"Oh… I'm sorry."

The brunette gave him a weak smile. "Not your fault… We should get going." She walked out and fell onto the ground. Sephiroth tripped onto her. They both lifted their heads to see a little girl—_maybe nine or ten years old_—running away with Jessie's gun.

Pushing her boss up, Jessie was bright red. "WHAT THE #&$! THAT LITTLE #$& JUST STOLE MY #$'N' GUN!"

"… You _really_ have a potty mouth, don't you?"

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. _No, seriously review._

Special treat: Jessie, Sephiroth, and RSL invade _WARM CREAMY CHOCOLATE. _

Bunny points to Selunchen123, Omni-Master, wildcat6, and SilverKitsune013 for reviewing.


	37. Episode 36

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: You know, I could just stop writing if I don't start getting some new reviewers. You know who you are. _My threats are so weak._

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 36: Kleptomaniac_**

Jessie ran after the small child. The miniature ninja was jumping on rooftops, walls, and boxes. "GET BACK HERE YOU BRAT!" Jessie was finding her self restrain beginning to wane…

She felt her legs start to strain. Her running slowed and she collapsed onto a pillar. Her breathing was shallow and she clutched her chest in pain. "How… can… she… run………… like that?"

Her boss stopped beside her. "No luck?"

"Shut up, Seph."

Sephiroth shook his head in dismay. Then, a rope looped around the SOLDIER's waist. With his arms restrained, a very shocked Sephiroth was pulled off the ground to dangle helplessly.

Jessie watched mutely as a short-haired girl stole the silver-haired man's wallet. The thief smirked as she ran off with Sephiroth's wallet and Jessie's gun.

Pushing herself off the support, Jessie grabbed a chief's knife out of her boot holster. She cut her boss down, who fell with a solid "thump."

"That child is going to die." Sephiroth had turned red with anger and humiliation.

* * *

"OH SHIVA IT BURNS!" RSL ran towards the bathroom to rinse the acid off of his neck. Plan B had also failed. _What am I going to do?_

He heard the door open as the water rinsed the pain away.

"Hello, RSL." The SOLDIER knew that voice… _Oh no. Please tell me this isn't happening. _"What are you doing, Sugar?"

"Wishing I was dead," he mumbled. After the burning sensation had ceased, he met Scarlet's eyes. "… You do know this is a _men's _room, right?"

* * *

Sephiroth ran into Jessie's back. "Why did you stop running?"

Jessie turned to look at him. Her amber eyes had a crazed look in them. The SOLDIER backed up slowly. He kept his arms up to protect himself from the attack he knew to be imminent.

She smiled as she raised her arm. The materia in her Mythril Armlet glowed. She pointed her arm out towards the bouncing yellow and green blob that was the thief. With a grin she released a fire3 that surrounded the child.

Sephiroth could make out the child huddling in fear atop a mountain shaped like a very round man. "Please don't hurt me," the little girl cried.

The Shinra employees walked up the hill, the flames never stopping their dance. When they were close enough to grab the little girl, Jessie ceased the materia's onslaught.

Sephiroth picked the child up by the hood of her shirt. "Alright, could we have our stuff back?"

The mini-ninja grudging handed her 'treasures' back to their respective owners.

The brunette poked at the little girl's baby fat. "Who do you think she belongs to?"

"I'm the Great Ninja Princess Yuffie! No one owns me!"

Sephiroth sighed. "Must be Lord Godo's daughter… I suppose we'll have to return her." He threw the little girl over his shoulder, and the pair walked down the mountain.

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. _No, seriously review._

Bunny points to SilverKitsune013, Kd Zeal, wildcat6, leaux, skmt999, and Selunchen123 for reviewing.


	38. Episode 37

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

「美少女戦士セーラームーン」, ("Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon") is owned by 武内直子様 (Naoko Takeuchi-sama).

Notes: Tatami are Japanese straw mats.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 37: Meetings and Concussions _**

Sephiroth carried the 'Great Ninja Princess Yuffie' into Lord Godo's pagoda. Twisting and turning he came upon the lord in one of the back rooms. Placing the child onto the ground, he asked, "Does _this_ belong to you?"

Lord Godo began to simultaneously apologize to the SOLDIER as he scolded the child. Jessie meanwhile decided to excuse herself for the bathroom. "Would you please sit and join me for tea, Mr. Sephiroth?" The silver-haired man knelt to sit upon his legs beside the coffee table. He pushed his hair back so that it pooled onto the tatami mat.

Lord Godo began to pour the tea. "… I have been expecting you for a while…"

"Yes… Some _things_ came up." Sephiroth took the small, ceramic cup offered to him. He sipped the green tea slowly, loving the aroma in his nose.

"Hey, Boss!" He could hear Jessie coming into the room. He turned his head to the sound of her yelping, and she slammed her forehead onto the coffee table.

Sephiroth reached over and turned her over. "Jessie! Jessie, can you hear me!" Her eyes were closed. He opened an eyelid and looked into it. The amber ball was unfocused and non-reactive.

* * *

Jessie blinked a couple of times. _Something's not right…_ She was lying in an unfamiliar bedroom. She sat up to stare at a blinking box. "Now what are you?" 

She turned it over, but dropped it quickly as an obnoxious beeping sounded. She pulled herself out of bed, and kicked at the device. "… Okay…"

She looked around and noticed that she was having trouble seeing. On an end table, a pair of glasses sat. She picked them up tentatively and put them on. "Much better." She lifted the loud electronic and located the 'Off' switch.

"_Ami-chan, we're going to be late!"_ Someone screamed from outside the window. _'Ami-chan'?_

Jessie opened the window to see who was disturbing the blessed silence. And regretted it immediately. Outside she could make out Sephiroth waving _her_ arms wildly and jumping up and down. Sephiroth was wearing a skirt and had _her _hair in pigtails with two dumpling-shaped sections on the top of _her_ head. _What is going on!_

Jessie grabbed a stack of clothes and quickly put them on. She ran out of the apartment building, which was a lot cleaner than those of Midgar. She burst outside to be hugged by a somewhat skewed version of her boss.

Behind _her _a very annoyed black cat stood. "You two are going to be late for class." Jessie blinked. And then blinked again. She rubbed her eyes.

"Did that cat just talk?" Not-Sephiroth and the cat exchanged a confused look.

"Are you feeling… okay, Ami-chan?"

"No." _And I'm not this 'Ami-chan' person. _A bell rang in the distance.

"Oh no, we're late!" The dumpling-haired Sephiroth began to run down the street. Jessie shrugged and began afterwards. The cat ran beside the pair.

* * *

Sephiroth placed a hand onto Jessie's forehead. "No fever." She looked so peaceful when she slept. 

Yuffie, the miniature ninja, plopped herself onto the futon that Jessie rested on. "So… How did she create fire without matches?"

Sephiroth looked at the little girl and blinked. He lifted his arm, revealing a Gold Armlet. Inside one could make out a restore materia. "It's called materia… It allows us to use 'magic'." _'What an unscientific term.'_

"Cool… Can I see?"

* * *

Jessie was slammed into a building by a very ugly monster. "Kinda looks like Hojo," she mumbled. 

"Moon Prism Power Make-Up!" Not-Sephiroth yelled. Ribbons engulfed _her_ body. _I have official lost it._

The black cat—which had a noticeable bald spot on it's head—bounced up to stand in front of Jessie. "Are you going to transform or not!"

Jessie narrowed her eyes at the feline. "1) I do not take orders from cats. Particularly talking ones. 2) I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!"

The cat rolled its eyes. "Just say, 'Mecury Power, Make-Up,' okay?"

Jessie pushed herself up from the wall and shrugged. "Okay whatever. Mercury Power, Make-Up." After a few moments of spinning in a void, she emerged in a distorted sailor-suit.

"Okay, now help Sailor Moon!"

Pulling down on the microscopic skirt, Jessie shook her head. "There is _no _way I'm fighting that messed-up Hojo-freak with my butt showing. Just _not_ going to happen."

* * *

Sephiroth faced Lord Godo with his patent-pending 'Lie to me and you will die' face on. "Any… Hostilities in Wutai against the Shinra Electrical Company?" 

The lord let out a sigh. "The same as ever… Grudges for the last war. But no militant actions, I assure you."

On the futon nearby, Jessie sat bolt upright. "FINE YOU STUPID CAT! SHABON SPRAY!" She blinked a couple of times. "… You don't have pigtails, Sephykins! Hooray!"

"Do I _want_ to know what you're talking about?"

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

_Hee hee… Sephi-kins in a Sailor-fuka_.

Bunny points to Selunchen123, wildcat6, Kiki-sama, SilverKitsune013, and Kd Zeal for reviewing.


	39. Episode 38

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: Sho(rt)Ba(rrel). Hee hee.

Talking chocobos return (briefly). Underlines are translations.

* * *

**The Secretary **

_**Episode 38: Going Home**_

Jessie entered the airship, hugging her new gun. "Thank you again for buying me little ShoBa."

"You _named_ it?" Sephiroth had stopped following her, opting to stand with his arms crossed and one eyebrow raised.

Flipping her chocolate hair from her eyes, she smirked. "I name all of my babies… What kind of mother would I be if I didn't?"

The silver-hair SOLDIER placed a gloved hand to his forehead. "I cannot believe you." He shook his head for a few moments before following the brunette into the airship.

"MUTHA#$&'N' DUMBASS #$&S! What the #$& took so #$&'n' long!"_ Mr. Highwind needs some medication…_

Jessie made her eyes large and watery. In her most pitiful voice she said, "Sorry, Mr. Cid. We ran into a problem."

"Aw… That's okay." Cid rubbed the top of the secretary's head. _If he touches me again, he _will_ regret it. _"What's yer excuse, #$&head?"

Jessie's boss looked at the floor, and started mumbling to himself. She shrugged and went to look out the bridge as they flew over the seascape.

* * *

RSL ran down the Shinra building corridor once more. No more insane doctors to attack him. Only the 'Head of Weapons Development' remained to torture the man. The woman—_if you can call her that_—that ran the SOLDIER program. _Scarlet, the red-dress wearing whore._

"RSL Darling! Where are you going?" _Must keep running. _

He turned down a hallway, and met a dead-end. _Oh, no. _He turned side to side looking for an escape route. He grabbed the nearest doorknob and turned. He threw himself into the room and pressed his body against the wood.

He looked across the room, and noticed a large pile of coffee beans. He could make out something trying to move underneath. _Jessie… would kill me if I helped Palmer out…_

* * *

His green eyes traced the outline of the city. From this distance, Junon did not look like the polluted hell that the SOLDIER knew it to be.

The airship landed gracefully onto the Junon base, and Sephiroth quickly exited. Jessie, having to run to keep up with his brisk pace, was breathing heavily behind him. "Can you slow down, Sir!"

Sephiroth stopped in his tracks and turned around to look at the young lady. "I want to get as far away from that-that lunatic as possible." He pointed his finger towards the airship.

Jessie was playing with her hands. "Oh… For a second… I thought you were… trying to… abandon me…" _She's scared… of being alone? _

"Has a funny way of showing it," he mumbled to himself.

"What was that?" Jessie had narrowed her eyes.

"Nothing." He turned to continue through the corridor. "We need to get going."

* * *

Jessie bounced up and down upon the _evil_ chocobo. _Why do I always get stuck with this evil piece of poultry! _

"Wark warrk!" The yellow chocobo Jessie rode cried. What a stupid human! Can't even sit still.

Sephiroth was having a better time with 'Pinky the Magnificent.' Pinky happened to be a boy chocobo who was getting very sore from the weight of Masamune. "Wwwarrk wark w'rk." I'm being poked with this idiot's oversized pointy-thingy. How do you think I feel?

"Waark warrrkk." Like the jackass you truly are.

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

_I decided to do an extra chapter today in case I'm too busy tomorrow clothes shopping._

Bunny points to Selunchen123, SilverKitsune013, Daemon hunter, and Akiraine of Gia for reviewing.


	40. Episode 39

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: A carbine is a shorter and less powerful version of a rifle.

* * *

**The Secretary **

_**Episode 39: Chaos**_

It was a lovely day. The sun was shining; the birds were singing. Yet, Sephiroth would be spending the entire day in his office. _Oh, well._

He entered the elevator and waited until he reached his floor. He exited with a cheerful disposition. _I think today is going to be wonderful._

Opening the door to his lobby, the SOLDIER realized how wrong he could be. "EVIL BITCH" was painted in red several times on the walls. The chairs had their stuffing ripped out. His secretary's had several deep cuts into the wood.

And there sat Jessie, typing away at her computer as if nothing was wrong.

"Jessie?"

"Yes, Sir?"

"What did you _do_ to this office?"

Jessie blinked a couple of times, and began to look about the room. Her head tilted. "I don't think I follow… Didn't you tell RSL to clean this place?"

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. There was no coffee on her desk. The man in question was no where to be seen. His dread began to mount. He looked at the door to his office. Scratch marks had ruined the glossy finish.

He slowly approached it, and leaned in to hear for an intruder. He could hear… _Maniacal laughter?_ He placed one gloved hand on to Masamune, while the other reached for the handle.

Sephiroth slowly opened the door, prepared for an assault. He could smell smoke. He turned his head to see a large bonfire made out of the remains of his bookshelves. All of his paperwork had disappeared.

RSL sat in front of the flames, still laughing. He had large bags under his eyes. The man was wearing a shredded SOLDIER uniform that left his chest exposed. Around his neck a metal ring had been placed.

_Must not intimidate him… _"RSL? How are you feeling?"

* * *

Jessie typed away on the computer. _Maybe I should have mentioned that RSL is unstable? _"Meh. He'll figure it out." 

"So, how was your trip?" Jessie looked up to see the Head of Urban Development towering over her. The secretary glanced at her computer. _He must have destroyed the pressure sensors I installed… Bastard._

"Eh. It was alright… Kinda long."

"Um… Is there a particular reason why this place looks like a war zone?"

"Probably."

The pair turned their heads as a large "thump" sounded from Sephiroth's office. The pair regained eye contact. Reeve spoke first, "Do I want to know what that was?"

Digging through her desk drawer, the brunette replied, "Probably not." She pulled a carbine out, and Reeve made a hasty retreat.

* * *

Sephiroth rubbed the back of his head. When he returned the glove so that he could see it, blood covered it. _This is _not _good._

He heard a gunshot and turned to look at the source. In the doorway, Jessie stood with a miniature assault rifle in hand. RSL, meanwhile, was dead on the floor. The secretary walked to the younger SOLDIER, her gun stayed pointed at the corpse.

"Seph, could you come over here for a minute?"

Sephiroth walked over to the secretary as slow as he could. He was more afraid of her than he was of the man who had slammed him against a wall. "What is it?"

"Seems that someone put a control collar on him… Would you mind decapitating RSL, so we could get it off?"

"NO! Are you completely insane?"

"Yeah. So?"

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

Bunny points to wildcat6, Omni-Master, SilverKitsune013, Selunchen123, Kiki-sama, scarletHuntress, and vincint Di for reviewing.


	41. Episode 40

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: I didn't want to describe RSL losing his head. Mostly because I just ate.

Minor BC (ep. 9) spoilers

* * *

**The Secretary **

_**Episode 40: Gravity**_

Sephiroth eyed the SOLDIER carefully. _If he makes one false move…_ "So, how are you feeling?"

RSL scratched at his neck. "You cut off me head."

"Yes… So how do you feel?"

"You _cut_ off my _head_."

Sephiroth rolled his green eyes. _I knew I should have made Jessie deal with him…_

* * *

The secretary stood in line, her eyes getting heavy with sleep. Another Shinra employee stood in front of her. And another in front of him. And another in front of her. 

And so forth, until one could make out the tiny man with large glasses trying to help a SOLDIER get a new uniform. _RSL just_ had_ to rip his SOLDIER uniform to bits, didn't he?_

_He will_ pay _for making me deal with these damn bureaucrats. _

* * *

Rufus tapped his fingers on his desk. Heidegger was on the phone, to the vice-president's frustration. "… WILL YOU GET TO THE POINT!" 

The blond could hear the man stammer on the other line. "Junon's been…."

"Yes?" Rufus's voice was icy to put it nicely.

"Overrun with terrorists… It's all those damn Turks fault."

The vice-president narrowed his eyes, before realizing that the Head of Public Safety Maintenance could not see him. _Bastard's always blaming the Turks for _his_ $&-ups._

* * *

Sephiroth heard the gunshot before he saw the door open. Mostly because Jessie had decided to _shoot_ the door. _I am so glad I stay as far away from that thing as possible. _RSL was not as smart, and had several holes in him. 

The secretary had a shotgun resting on her shoulders.

"Is there a particular reason why you've destroyed my door and killed RSL? … Again?"

"The door was in my way… I had to deal with a bunch of bureaucrats because of that bugger. He had it coming."

Sephiroth tilted his head as RSL sat up. The silver-haired SOLDIER blinked a couple of times. "You really should blame Scarlet for it."

Jessie closed her eyes. She seemed to be thinking about what her boss had said. '_It's the apocalypse, everyone run!' _"Okay!" She sounded… _Perky?_ The brunette skipped out of the room a smile plastered across her face.

Lifting himself from the floor, RSL rubbed at his healed wounds and drying blood. "She's _really_ scary."

"Yes… Yes, she is."

* * *

Scarlet found herself looking outside of the Shinra building. Not by choice. Her red dress, which normally would be about her ankles, was now firmly attached to the windowsill. 

Exactly how the Head of Weapons Development had gotten outside was a mystery to her. It all seemed like a chocolate-colored blur…

"SOMEONE HELP ME!"

"NO!" _Who the hell was that?_

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

_I'm going to try to update again today. Presuming I don't get distracted. Again (Ooo shiny…). _

Bunny points to Selunchen123, wildcat6, SilverKitsune013, scarlettHuntress, Daemon hunter, Kd Zeal, Starlight-Dagger, Kiki-sama, and TriggerHappy777 for reviewing. _Wow 9 reviewers. That's the greatest amount so far._


	42. Episode 41

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

_I'm sorry I haven't updated for a few days. My professors decided dumping three papers and several projects on me (most likely because I only have two weeks of school left to be tortured) would be a nice thing to do._

_Expect sporadic updating this week (yes, I know I'm a horrible person)._

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 41: Flames and Cloth_**

Sephiroth looked around the office. The pyromaniac was no where to be seen. On his door, a small piece of paper had been attached. He strode over, his gloved hand squeezing Masamune tightly. _No sign of laser-guided weapons…_

He took his free hand, and pulled the sheet of paper down.

_Seph—_

_Sorry, something came up._

_Can't come into work today._

—_Jessie_

"She's avoiding a chance to torture me?"

* * *

Jessie sat in the café and sipped at her mocha. Across from her, her 'big sister' rotated her spoon within her coffee cup. The secretary's amber eye could make out a man with a green bandana watching her movements. _Shears… Always the babysitter._

"So… How have you been?" Elfé asked.

Jessie smiled. "I've avoided killing any of those Shinra bastards. I'm not sure whether to classify that as a good thing or not." She let out a weak laugh.

The older woman shook her head. "You know you're too young to join…"

"Yeah, yeah." Jessie took a large drink of coffee. "Coming from you, who joined as a child, that doesn't mean much."

The terrorist shook her head. "How have you managed to avoid getting found out?"

The child's amber eyes danced. "Pretending to be completely insane explains most of what I do."

Jessie could hear Shears snort. He mumbled, "_Pretend?_" Jessie resisted the urge to growl at the man.

* * *

RSL pulled on his shirt. It was not the proper dark blue color. It was a weird green-gray color. His identifying belt was gone. 

From his reflection off the window, he finally realized what was wrong. _This_ was not a SOLDIER Third Class uniform. It was the uniform of a regular member of the Shinra army.

He tilted his head and crossed his arms. _It's been awhile since I had to wear this one…_

In the reflection, he could make out Reno sneaking up on him. "Yes?" He watched as the Turk paused in his tracks.

The redhead tapped his nightstick on his shoulder. "Your uniform dirty?"

RSL frowned. "No… It was destroyed. This is the one Jessie picked up to replace it."

The Turk raised an eyebrow. "Did you tell her she got the wrong one?"

"I'm not crazy."

* * *

_/Flashback/_

The little girl dropped her book bag when she saw the smoke coming from her destination. She ran as fast as her legs could take her. Then, she saw what she feared.

A block away, her home was ablaze. In front of it, a man with slowly graying brown hair stood. The other people who would normally be about were missing. Tears began running down the girl's face before she noticed that she was crying.

She ran towards the fire, only to be stopped by a muscular arm. She was lifted up, and a hand was placed over her mouth. "Be quiet, Jessica… I'm not going to hurt you," a woman's voice explained.

Jessica promptly kicked her captor in the stomach. She was dropped to the ground and continued running to her home, only to be tackled by the stranger. "What do you want! My mom… Dad…"

The woman lifted herself off the little girl and began to hug her. The woman stroked the girl's brunette hair, whispering comforting words. "Your parents… They knew this would… They asked me to…" Jessica was not listening. Her crying drowned out the woman's words.

_/End/_

"Do you still have 'Little Tonny'?" Elfé questioned.

"Don't make fun of my Tonberry!" Jessie snapped. That burnt, beady-eyed stuffed toy was the pyromaniac's most treasured possession.

_The only thing that survived the fire._

* * *

Sephiroth looked at the letter on his desk and groaned in agony. 

_Boss—_

_Since RSL burnt all of the reports you wrote, you are going to have to rewrite them._

—_Jessie_

_P.S. Yes, that means _all_ of them. _

"Figures… I never get a break."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

_No, Elfé is not Jessie's actual sister. It's more of a term of endearment._

_Yeah, the woman who stopped little Jessica from running into a burning building (and other hazardous situations) was Elfé._

Bunny points to SilverKitsune013, Wildcat6, TriggerHappy777, Akiraine of Gia, Selunchen123, scarlettHuntress, Kd Zeal, and Mortheza for reviewing.


	43. Episode 42

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Notes: General, vague Before Crisis spoilers.

_I went ahead and finished all of my homework (go me, go me, go me… I'll stop now), as opposed to procrastinating until the last minute. Stupid assignments…_

_Is it just me or is the audio on the dubbed version of Advent Children majorly F'd up?_

* * *

**The Secretary **

_**Episode 42: Evenings**_

_She wouldn't know if I didn't finish them… _Sephiroth hung his head in shame. "Of _course_ she would… She probably has me microchipped."

Sephiroth looked at the pile of documents left to do. He had only managed to get through six reports out of the 1,996 ones he had to start with. The reason it was taking him so long, may be related to him counting how many the SOLDIER was being forced to do.

"Tea, Boss?" RSL leaned against the door frame. _With the pyro gone today, he's much more relaxed._

Sephiroth nodded and RSL left to fetch the silver-haired man's favorite drink. The man, still wearing the wrong uniform, presented the tea. "You know… Jess' wouldn't microchip you… She'd just hack the one Hojo gave you."

Sephiroth groaned. "Don't even joke about that… He might hear and take your idea."

RSL knitted his brow. "Does he _ever_ leave the lab?"

"I don't want to know."

* * *

Jessie covered her mouth as she yawned. Standing in line for several hours was never fun. Standing in a line in an outfit her 'older sister' declared to be 'cute' was even more tiring. Having to push her dress down to keep it from flying up, was very irritating. 

"Thirty-four." Elfé mumbled.

Jessie raised an eyebrow. "Come again?"

The leader of AVALANCHE shook her head. "You've yawned 34 times now… Couldn't you _pretend_ to be awake."

Jessie scratched her arm absently. "We're waiting for a theatre to open… It's not like I'm sleeping _during_ the play."

"_Prove_ you won't."

Jessie smiled. "That sounds like a bet… You're on!"

"You _do _know that LOVELESS starts with a lullaby, right?"

"……………………………………………… I hate you."

* * *

Rufus collapsed onto his bed. The vice-president groaned as he realized he was lying atop something. He sat up and turned to look. Lying on his bed was a small plastic device and a card. He picked up the grey box and looked it over. 

It had red numbers. Numbers that were counting down. _Four hours? What happens in four hours?_

He reached for the card and read. He started to snicker as he was reading. When he finished, he burst out with laughter, clutching his stomach because of the pain. "This is _too _good."

* * *

Sephiroth turned on the light to his apartment, but had to squint his eyes against the sudden brightness. He trailed his hand along the wall as he moved to the kitchen. 

He opened the refrigerator in search of dinner. All there was half a block of cheese and a couple of eggs. He shrugged and took the ingredients out. He placed them on his granite counters, and searched for a frying pan.

Eventually, the SOLDIER finished cooking his omelet. He carried his plate to the dining table, and started to eat his late dinner. He could see the clock read '10:15.'

* * *

Someone hissed, "_Sis. Sis!_ Jessica, will you wake up!" 

Jessie rubbed her amber eyes. "Huh? What's goin' on?"

Elfé rolled her blue eyes. "You we're drooling."

On stage, Jessie could make out the sister of the lead actor and her lover.

_The woman, wearing a large, yellow ball gown asked, "Do you really have to leave?"_

_Her lover replied, "I promised. The people I love, are waiting." _

_She shook her head. "...I don't understand. Not at all. But... please take care of yourself." _

_"Of course... I'll come back to you. Even if you don't promise to wait. I'll return knowing that you'll be here." The man leaves and the play ends._

Jessie tilted her head _What the #$&? _

The audience began to filed out of the theatre. Once she was free of the confining building, she looked at a clock that sat upon a post. '11:27'

Her phone began to ring, and the secretary dug through her purse. _Takes five minutes to find anything— _"Ah-hah! Hello? Jessie speaking."

Elfé tapped her foot as she waited for Jessie to finish talking. The younger woman seemed to become pale as she spoke with the caller. When Jessie finished, the terrorist asked, "So? What was that about?"

Jessie shook her head. "Is there a _reason_ why AVALANCHE has kidnapped Hojo?"

"_WHAT!_ They were s'pose to kill the pres'."

The pyromaniac groaned. "Never any rest for the weary. Night, Sis. I have to go to work."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

_I want a Vincent plush really bad. And a Zack action figure. Oh well._

Bunny points to TriggerHappy777, Kd Zeal, Selunchen123, Omni-Master, SilverKitsune013, Thunderstorm101, Stars of Shadow, and Wildcat6 for reviewing._ I have 200+ reviews. Yay!_


	44. Episode 43

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Note: Before Crisis (Episode 10) spoilers.

* * *

**The Secretary **

_**Episode 43: Working Late**_

Tseng played with the pen on his desk. Every once in a while he would hear gunshots and roars. The Turks certainly knew how to make their presence known. _Although, they were ordered to keep this 'low profile.' What should I have expected?_

* * *

Rufus entered the Shinra building, ignoring the sound of an alarm. With a happy skip, he entered the elevator. He pressed the button for the uppermost floor. He sang, "I'm gonna be president, La la la…" during the entire ride. 

As he reached his _new_ office, he stopped in his tracks. Sitting in _his_ chair, Rufus's father was yelling into a speaker phone. _Why won't he just die? _At the corner of his eye, he could feel a tear form.

After listening to his father's conversation with Veld, Rufus was furious. "WHAT! You're telling me that AVALANCHE abducted Hojo!" _Instead of killing you, like I'd planned?_

* * *

Sephiroth picked up his now empty plate and walked to the sink. He turned on the water, grabbed some soap, and began to scrub the dish. He whistled as he worked the dirt off. 

After he finished, he placed the plate into the appropriate cabinet. He rubbed the back of his head and yawned. Then, he heard a knock at the door.

He raised an eyebrow, and crept towards the entrance of his apartment. The SOLDIER leaned into the peephole, and recognized a very familiar head of brown hair. _It's not possible…_

The silver-haired man leaned against the door, hoping this was a hallucination.

"_I know you're awake, Seph! Everyone at Shinra knows you're an insomniac, so open this damn door!" _The woman yelled from the other side.

Groaning, Sephiroth opened the door allowing his secretary to enter. "Do you have any _idea_ how intrusive you are?" Sephiroth moved is head up and down as he noticed the dress Jessie was wearing. "And why… Are you dressed like… that?"

The brunette shook her head and groaned. "Not my idea… On either point… Come on, let's go."

"_Go_? Go _where_?"

"Didn't the president call you?"

Sephiroth released a nervous laugh. "Yeah… About that…"

_/Flashback/_

The porcupine-head, otherwise known as Zack, threw up his Buster Sword to block the Masamune from damaging his hair. Zack then used every muscle in his body to lift his blade to push Sephiroth back.

The silver-haired SOLDIER was lifted off his prey. Zack swung the blade causing Sephiroth to twist his body out of the way. The younger man saw his sparring partner's black jacket twirl with the movement. In the same move, a small grey device left a pocket.

Zack watched as the cell phone flew across the room. It eventually disappeared out an open window.

The brunet rubbed the back of his head. "Uh… Sorry, Seph." The SOLDIERs leaned their heads out the window. The fairly new electronic was in a thousand pieces.

_/end/_

"Anyway…" Jessie sounded annoyed. "We have to rescue Hojo from AVALANCHE."

"Do I _have_ to?"

"Will you come on already? I had to borrow a friend's car and she's gonna be mad if I don't get it back to 'er."

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 

_Swell, can't get logged in._

Bunny points to Akiraine of Gia (42) and scarlettHuntress, Wildcat6, Selunchen123, Vincent Di, Daemon hunter, TriggerHappy777, and SilverKitsune013 for reviewing.


	45. Episode 44

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Note: Before Crisis (Episode 10) spoilers.

* * *

**The Secretary **

_**Episode 44: Aftermath**_

Sephiroth dug his fingernails into his car seat. _I should get a license before someone drives me off the road. _Jessie seemed to be ignoring him as she drove the car down the highway.

She did not seem the least bit worried about the various warning signs that proclaimed this road was still "under construction" and had a "dead end."

Sephiroth could feel the anxiety rise as she rounded a corner. In the distance he could make out a helicopter in the distance. He could also see a parachute drifting down. Moments later the road ahead of the pair exploded, Jessie slamming on her break.

"O—kay… Now what do we do?"

Sephiroth unbuckled his seatbelt, and twisted his body so that he could reach the backseat. Masamune was lying there, unperturbed by the events unfolding around it. Sephiroth placed his gloved hand on the handle. He stood up and lined up his blade with the stolen aircraft.

The SOLDIER flung his blade, causing a beam of energy to be emitted towards the helicopter.

"Did you… Just use Zack's Blade Beam?"

"……………………… No?"

* * *

Cloud turned as a rumble shook the army barracks. He went to the window, and opened the blinds. "Why is there a pile of rubble outside?" The teenager twisted his face as he thought. "Zack probably did something stupid again."

* * *

Sephiroth slashed though an oversized lizard. The dragon fell easily, and he could now see the Turk who had failed so miserably. The same brunette Turk who the SOLDIER had rescued in Junon.

Jessie watched from the car as the silver-haired man helped the shotgun user up. "...Could I really be... dreaming? _Sephiroth!" The Turk cried. What a moron._

Sephiroth chose not to answer. Jessie could see his green eyes rolling. The pair stood in silence for several moments. _Seph wants to strangle her. _

Tseng ran past Jessie's vehicle, towards the wreckage. "Professor Hojo!"

**"**Tseng!" _These Turks are like pets, huh?_

Helping the sadistic professor out of the wreckage. **"**Professor, are you all right?"

Hojo dusted his lab coat off, "As you can see, I'm fine."

The silver-haired SOLDIER said, "Turks. I'm leaving the rest to you. My mission here is over." He began to walk back to the car.

**"**Sephiroth, it looks like your skills have gone up yet another level," Hojo called after. Sephiroth cringed at the—_would you call him a man?_

"What an asshole," Jessie commented as she drove the SOLDIER home.

* * *

Yawning, Sephiroth entered his office. He found RSL pressed against the wall, trying to climb backwards up. Sephiroth followed RSL's line of sight to a green Tonberry on Jessie's desk.

Sephiroth shook his head. "You _do_ know that's a stuffed animal, right?"

RSL merely shook his head. When Sephiroth turned back to the Tonberry, it was now looking at him. It seemed to have an evil glare in its eyes and a smirk on its lips. "………… Nice, Little Tonberry."

Jessie walked out of Sephiroth's office, a stack of paper in her arms.

"Jessie," RSL hissed. "Why is there a Tonberry on your desk?"

The secretary looked and shrugged. "Good question." The brunette continued to walk towards the door, leaving two SOLDIERs frozen with fear behind.

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.


	46. Episode 45

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

Note: I forgot to credit Wildcat6 for the Tonberry "attack" last time. Oops.

Translations are underlined.

_I'm suffering from writer's block, so I may just start writing the ending _

_Zack looks cool on PSP._

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 45: Day in the life of…_**

Zack. SOLDIER Class First. Brunet. Has a fetish for oversized swords. _Complete and utter moron._

Aerith rolled her eyes forgetting that her boyfriend could not see the motion through the phone. She took in a deep breath, and hissed it out. "Let me get this straight…… You're canceling our date for tonight, because you… _glued_ yourself to your friend."

"_He-he… Yeah, pretty stupid, huh?"_ The SOLDIER laughed nervously.

"Zack?"

"_Yes, Sweetie?"_

"Is there _something_ you want to tell me?"

"_Huh?"_

* * *

The Tonberry began to clean its knife, listening to the groans that emanated from the ground. Tonbie, as the insane brunette called it, made mental patterns out of the blood splatter on the wall.

The brunette secretary walked into the room, carrying a stack of files. She stepped over the dying body of RSL. She set the stack down beside Tonbie and sat down at the desk. "Seph's going to be mad that you ruined the paint."

Tonbie turned to look at the psychopath. It made a few humming noises before returning to the matter of cleaning his blade. At least I don't try to burn the place down every five minutes.

* * *

The black chocobo, paced about its pen. The silver-haired man had come back. "Warrk warkk." Please tell me he doesn't want _another _ride.

"W'rk waarkk." As long as the moron or the bitch doesn't come, who cares?

The black chocobo glared at its companion. "Wwark Waaa'k… Warkwark… Wa'kkk—" I'm still sore from the last time…. Stupid sword… Just making up for a small—

* * *

The chocobo-haired youth glared at the older teenager. Cloud was sick of being _stuck_ with his friend. _He's got a love-hate relationship with _everyone_! Bastard…_

Zack's hand had been on the blond's lower back for the last three hours. Cloud was getting really cold now that the sun had set. _Why did Zack have to glue himself to my back!_ Cloud missed his Shinra-issued shirt.

"So, Kiddo, what do you want to do tonight?"

"Killing you comes to mind."

Zack waved his free hand in the air. "What did _I_ do?"

Sapphire eyes attempted to burn a hole into the SOLDIER's forehead. _He'd need a brain…_

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

_Yeah, I know it's short. I told you I had writer's block._

_Seeing as I've had a rash of "How old is Jessie" questions lately, I'm going to reiterate. Jessie is anywhere from 12 to 16 years old (this range is based on Cloud's age and Jessie hitting on him in FF7). Pick a number, any number. Why do I address her as a child, teen, and adult? Because one can act/project a variety of ages. Why would she have a fulltime job? Because there is no public education system in Gaia (the world of FF7)._

Bunny points to Wildcat6, Selunchen123, Omni-Master, Kd Zeal, SilverKitsune013, Hirrayami Otoni, Akiraine of Gia, scarlettHuntress, bdsproductions, charmednwicked, Dav Strife, Thunderstorm101, Starlight-Dagger, and TriggerHappy777 for reviewing. _That took a while._


	47. Episode 46

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

_Note: I could not find anything else to write about, so on to the ending _

* * *

**The Secretary **

_**Episode 46: Prep work **_

"Tell me why we are at a clothing store?" Jessie placed her hands on her hips to emphasize her statement. The brunet SOLDIER avoided eye contact.

"Well, you see…" Zack rubbed the back of his head. The secretary merely glared. _Does she have to look angry all the time?_ "You know Seph' only seems to own one outfit—"

"So do you! Why not change your damn clothes once 'n' a while? Your girlfriend_s_ can't possibly—"

"—One, I only have _one_ girlfriend—"

"—and how many boyfriends?—" Jessie mumbled to no one.

"—Two, I have plenty of nice clothes! I just wear my _uniform _to work. It's that damn ass who wears the same 'casual leathers' every single day!"

Jessie merely rolled her eyes. "Yeah, whatever…. How 'bout this?" She pulled a mannequin wearing a black and red outfit.

"It's kinda too… goth, don'cha think?"

The secretary traced the outfit with her amber eyes. "Sephy-kins wears white leather. I don't think he gets to make fashion choices."

* * *

"Explain to me why we need these boxes?" The chocobo-headed youth complained. Once again he had fallen over from the weight of a crate. Sephiroth shook his head at the youth, lifting the weight easily.

The silver-haired man tossed the crate into the truck, so that it may join its siblings. "We need these crates because we we're ordered to have them…. That's what SOLDIERs do; we follow orders."

RSL yawned as he leaned against the metal door. "Yeah… If you wanted to goof all the time, you should try to get into the Turks." The SOLDIER picked a piece of lint from his non-SOLDIER class uniform.

* * *

Reno pointed his small rod towards the green creature. "You… think it'll hurt us?"

Rude lowered his shades to look at the Tonberry in the hallway. _Where did it come from?_ "……" _Hojo's lab?_

"Maybe… We should report it?"

"To who?" The Turks turned to face the stoic Tseng. He tilted his head to look at the Tonberry. "…… Perhaps one of Hojo's assistances could come get it?" _If we're lucky, it'll kill that madman._

* * *

Zack shrugged and placed the clothing pile down in front of a salesperson. "How much?"

"For that…………………………… 850,002 gil." Zack could feel his eyes bulge out of his skull.

"Here, I'll get it." The secretary presented a 'Shinra Company Credit Card' to the man behind the counter.

As the man swiped the card, Zack leaned over to whisper, "How did you get that?"

"Creative financing?"

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

Bunny points to bdsproductions, Wildcat6, SilverKitsune013, TriggerHappy777, Selunchen123, Hirrayami Otoni, Thunderstorm101, scarlettHuntress, SapphireXSerpent, Amimegustamuchascosas, and Kd Zeal for reviewing.

Extra points to SapphireXSerpent for going through and reviewing every single chapter.


	48. Episode 47

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

* * *

**The Secretary **

_**Episode 47: Road Trip **_

"Why does Jessie get to drive? I drive good, too!" Zack whined for the thirty-six time since the group had reached the western continent.

"Well." Sephiroth polished Masamune as he bounced upon a crate. _Jessie is_ _a _marginally_ better driver._

"Well, what?" RSL blinked at the other SOLDIERs before being knocked onto the floor as the group hit another bump in the road.

Mako green eyes rolled. "Porcupine here should have said 'I drive well'…. Not that it really matters with this moron."

Sephiroth's SOLDIER companions fell silent. Rain beat upon the truck. The sounds of the army grunt vomiting pierced what little silence they had. _Why did we bring the chocobo?_

* * *

Hojo pushed the glasses up his nose as he observed the little green monster paced about its cage. "Interesting…" 

Behind him, a female assistant wrote the readings from a computer. The monitors displayed body temperature, pulse, and an x-ray of the tonberry specimen.

The tonberry seemed to be digging inside its garment. The professor tapped upon the glass tube. The woman than noticed something very odd with the skeletal schematics; there was a gun-shaped object at the tonberry's hip. "Professor!"

The room filled with smoke, only to set the fire alarm off. The screams echoed through the halls.

* * *

Zack rubbed, the army runt, Strife's back. "Hey, how you doin'?" 

Cloud looked up for a moment, before returning his gaze to the floor. "I'm all right," he mumbled.

"I wouldn't know… I've never had motion sickness." Zack shook his head before moving next to RSL. "Everythin' okay?"

The silver-haired SOLDIER shook his head. "Hey. Settle down, Zack…. You are going to distract Jessie."

"They gave me some new materia! I can't wait to use it!" The brunet showed off his new ice and lightning materias. No one in Shinra had wanted to give him anything stronger than the army grunt pre-emptive materia.

_Who would trust him with anything stronger?_ Sephiroth groaned. "…. Just like a kid."

* * *

"Do you…. hear screaming?" The blonde Turk reached for her gun. 

Reno shook his head. "I didn't hear nuthin'. I'm off duty."

She shrugged her shoulders before sitting down at the bar. "Give me whatever he's having." She stuck a thumb at Rude.

"One cosmo coming up."

Reno raised an eyebrow at his partner.

"…. What?" Rude lowered his shades to glare at the other Turk.

* * *

The brunet SOLDIER scratched his head. "Brutal creatures… Where?" 

"The mako reactor at Nibleheim."

Strife lifted his head up from his pain. "……… That's where I'm from."

"Hmm… Hometown…" The truck vibrated at a loud thump.

"Sir? S-something #$&'d-up just crashed into our truck!"

Sephiroth used masamune to leverage himself up. "That would be our monster…"

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 


	49. Episode 48

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.**

* * *

The Secretary **

_**Episode 48: Night and Day**_

Jessie could feel her eye twitching at the sight of her 'peer.' _She has _really _big_ _boobs._ "So…. You've been hired to be our guide?" _They have to be fake…_

"Uh-huh! I'm the number one guide for the Nibleheim Mountains." _Wonder how much they cost… _

"Okay… Uh, I'll have my boss meet you outside the Shinra Mansion tomorrow morning?" _I hope the twitch won't be permanent. _

* * *

RSL looked around the room they had rented. "I can't believe I have to stand watch all #$&'n' night…. And we're _still_ short one bed…" 

Zack followed the 3rd class's line of sight. "Sure are…. Seph?"

Sephiroth shrugged a shoulder at Zack. "…………. We have an early start tomorrow. You should get some sleep soon."

"Seph…. We don't have enough beds." The silver-haired SOLDIER turned away from the window. The sounds of someone running up the stairs, only to crash into the wall diverted his gaze. "That had to hurt."

The secretary rubbed her head as RSL and Cloud helped her up. "… The innkeeper said we wouldn't have enough beds… So, you two get to share a bed." She waved a hand at the oldest pair.

Both SOLDIERs exchanged a look, only to both shout, "WHAT!"

The brunette placed a hand on her hip. "Strife 'n' me are underage… Don't want you two assaulting us, right?"

"Why do I not think there's no way out of this without sounding like a pervert?"

"'Cause there ain't one, Seph'."

* * *

Cloud watched as Tifa had her photograph taken with his friend and his idol. The army grunt readjusted his helmet strap. 

Sephiroth played 'bodyguard' taking up the lead. Tifa began to walk up the mountain path, RSL walking close behind. Zack elbowed the blond teen in the stomach. "Hot little thing, eh?"

* * *

_/Flashback/_

Sephiroth scratched at his gloved hand. "Okay, Jessie. Today, you will go to the Shinra Mansion and make it livable."

"Why, Sephy-kins? Was Zack mean last night?"

"…. I don't want to talk about it."

_/End/_

Jessie fingered the note that was left in the foyer.

_I must get rid of all those that stand in the way of my research. Even that one from the Turks. I scientifically altered him, and put him to sleep in the basement. If you want to find him, then search the area. But... this is merely a game I thought of. It is not necessary for you to participate if you don't want to._

It featured directions to different parts of the house. "#$& this."

The secretary walked around the building, counting the number of beds. She paused when she found a room that only had a chair in it. Her amber eyes spied a stone corner. "Yeah… That's not suspicious at all."

* * *

The brunette airhead waved her hand at the rope bridge. "It gets harder from here! Follow me!" Tifa dashed up the bridge. The Shinra employees followed afterwards, only for a snapping sound. "Uh… The bridge!" 

"YOU #$&'n'—" RSL screamed as he plummeted towards the rocky valley.

Sephiroth managed to land on a rocky ledge. "That…. _really_ hurt…" He leaned over the ledge to see RSL impaled upon a rock. "Ilk…. Um, WE'LL COME BACK FOR YOU LATER!"

"$& YOU!"

The silver-haired man followed the path, finding an unconscious blond _moron_. _I have no idea what Zack sees in him… _"Hey, kid, wake up!"

"I don' wanna go ta school mommy…."

"I am _not_ your MOTHER!"

The chocobo-head jumped off the ground. "S-Sir!"

Sephiroth ignored the boy, and continued up the path. Around the bend, he found Zack and Tifa picking themselves off the ground. "Well, everyone seems all right… Can we get back to where we were?"

"These caves are intertwined, just like an ant farm… Oh, and Sephiroth… There seems to be one person missing…" _Could this girl be any dumber?_

"…………… It may sound cold, but we've got no time to search for him." _Can't let Shinra's secret out…_ "We can't go back now, so we must go on. We'll travel together from here."

* * *

Jessie 'knocked gently' on the locked basement door. Otherwise known as 'kicking the door in.' "Anybody home?" She looked around the small room, observing the many coffins. 

One lid began to slide open. "To wake me from this nightmare…. Who is it!" Standing before the tiny secretary, was a tall, dark-haired man. His blood red eyes piercing through her easily.

The scene would have been more intimidating, if the pyromaniac had not needed to throw her hands up to block the sight. "Cover yourself, Man!" The corpse-like resident wore a blue suit that was fairly decomposed at this point.

The brooding gentleman sat back down into his resting place. "Would you mind… leaving? I'm busy atoning for sin."

"Uh-huh… You know, I have a—don't know if I'd call him a friend—who's about your size… He refuses to wear an outfit I bought for him…"

_/Flashback/_

Sephiroth's green eyes narrowed at the ensemble Jessie and Zack presented to him. "I am not wearing that."

The secretary forced her eyes to become large and watery. "Pwease, Sephy-kins?"

"_Hell_ no."

_/End/_

As Vincent settled into his new garments, he mumbled his thanks and closed the lid to his coffin.

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 


	50. Episode 49

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode 49: Snapped_**

Zack fell off of the pod. "Is this…. some kinda monster?" The image of the creature burned into the SOLDIER's head.

Sephiroth stared at nothing. "Exactly. And it's Hojo of Shinra that produced these monsters… Mutated living organisms produced by mako energy. That's what these monster's really are."

_Hojo is one sick bastard… Wait… 'Normal members of SOLDIER are humans that have been showered with mako.' _"Normal members of SOLDIER? You mean you're different?"

Sephiroth clutched at his head, his eyes squinting in pain. "N… no……" He lifted his head, a strange look in his eyes.

His left hand moved to Masamune. "… Was I?" He lifted his blade and slashed at the pods. Zack lept backwards to avoid the onslaught. "… Was I created this way too? Am I the same as all these monsters……"

* * *

Jessie scratched her head as she watched her boss walk around the dust filled library. He mumbled to himself as he read one of the experiment notes. "Sir? Maybe you should go to bed?" 

The SOLDIER ignored his secretary's pleas. "_…an organism that was apparently dead, was found in a 2000 year old geological stratum. Professor Gast named that organism, Jenova…"_

"Um… Maybe I'll go get you some tea." _Hopefully that will calm you down. _As the brunette moved towards the door, a book hit her in the back of the head. "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!"

She narrowed her eyes to glare at the man, but his eyes did not meet hers. They were looking at the air. She sighed and began to trudge back upstairs.

In the hallway, she met the brunet SOLDIER, Zack. "Bastard hit me with a book! _You _deal with him."

* * *

The president of Shinra Company eyed the credit card bill. "Rufus… Why did you spend '850,002 gil' at a clothing store?" 

The blond vice-president blinked his eyes twice. "Come again?"

* * *

Zack opened his eyes. It was still dark out. He crawled out of bed. The bed beside him was still empty. _Still not in bed?_

He walked through the Shinra Mansion hallways to pause at Jessie's room. Her bed was also empty. _Wonder where she went? Hopefully not burning the town down…_

At the end of the hall, Cloud was drifting in and out of sleep in his chair. The SOLDIER shook his friend awake. "Sephiroth seems different, huh?" _Always thinking about his idol…_

Zack went down into the basement, his boots echoing throughout. He could hear laughter down the hall. "Oh, #$&. It's the apocalypse."

* * *

"Wow, this is one really &'d-up reactor." Jessie looked at the mutated humans. She could feel bile rise in her stomach. At the top, she spied a sign. "Jenova?" 

_/Flashback/_

"How does it feel? It's your first time back to your hometown in a long time, right? So how does it feel?" Sephiroth questioned the army runt. "I wouldn't know because I don't have a hometown…"

Strife, shy as always, mumbled, "Ummmm…. How 'bout your parents?"

"My mother is Jenova. She died after she gave birth to me…."

_/End/_

Jessie rubbed the back of her neck. "This is probably not good."

* * *

"Who is it?" Sephiroth demanded as Zack entered the library. As he eyed the intruder, the silver-haired man scoffed. "Traitor." 

The brunet knitted his brow. "Traitor?"

Sephiroth began to preach about the planet and the Cetra. Zack quickly tuned out when he spied a shiny paperweight. _Oooo, shiny…_ At the appropriate times, the SOLDIER would repeat the last sentence Sephiroth.

* * *

Sephiroth smiled as he felt the power of the fire materia warm his hand. He could feel warmth for the first time in his life. 

He stretched his hand towards a building, and watched as it burst into flame. _She was right… This_ is _fun._

* * *

Jessie saw the light from the town. "Damn… I always wanted to burn a town down." She sat down upon the rocky path. "Actually, only Midgar."

* * *

Cloud felt the blade enter his abdomen. Masamune twisted his insides and he felt the world become dark. 

He opened his eyes, something blue-green obscuring his vision. He grabbed the blade and used his own body as a fulcrum.

Sephiroth fell into the mako sea beneath.

_Fin_

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff. 


	51. Episode XX

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.

* * *

**The Secretary **

**_Episode XX: Epilogue_**

_Five years later…_

The brunette kicked the machine. "Why won't you work!" Two men flanked her on either side. She twisted the computer monitor around and began to fiddle with the wires.

A ping sound denoted the computer was starting up. The young woman kneeled before the device and waited for it to finish starting up.

She selected a program and watched as the command was executed. Formulas and equations flashed, the woman mentally recording the numbers. A small film then began to play. It showed a model of Midgar.

A model of Midgar that was completely destroyed in a single explosion. The thinner man scratched his arm absently. "Overkill, don't you think, Jess?"

The young woman frowned. "Maybe… We shouldn't tell Barret about this?"

Squatting down, the rounder man asked, "You guys think… we could make—I dunno—_smaller_ bombs?"

"I suppose we could, Wedge…"

"But?"

The brunette shook her head. "But, we wouldn't know what would happen…" _Not that I really care. _"Bwahahahahahahahaha…."

"Jessie?"

"Yes, Biggs?"

"You're laughing manically… _Aloud._"

"Opps."

* * *

Stiff within a crystal of mako, the silver-haired Adonis rested his mind. His strength had not fully regenerated from the trip to the Northern Continent. The only company he had for the past five years was 'Mother.'

_And what a bossy bitch she is… Once I become a god, I am _killing_ her._

* * *

In a rocky valley, the wails of a 'ghost' could be heard. Little did anyone care that this 'ghost' was screaming, "WILL SOMEBODY GET ME OFF THIS #$&'N" ROCK!"

* * *

Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.

I would like to thank everyone who has reviewed once more. Thank you guys/gals very much.


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